Thursday, February 09, 2006
 | Current mood:  sadHappy Birthday, Chris. If you were here you'd be 30. I can't believe you're gone. I've been thinking a lot about those who leave us prematurely in life lately and of course, my thoughts come to you. Remember us this time of the year? Early spring? Today was much like the days when we were together. It held the promise of the earth and trees waking up, a promise of life to come, and the air was pregnant with the smell of fresh beginnings. Do you remember what we used to say to each other? That we were stuck together with God's glue? That was so funny to both of us, especially since you were an atheist and I was agnostic. I can tell you this, I've looked into the sun since you've left and I've not been afraid of what I might see, how could I possibly be when the worst thing has already happened? Did you look into the sun? Did you see something that made you so afraid that you had to leave this life by your own hand? I want to be happy and grateful for your birthday. Grateful I surely am, you loved me and saved me from one of the most miserable parts of my life. But happy? How can I be happy when I realize that it's been almost 2 years since you left? I didn't think I was angry with you, but I am. Why? What was so horrible? Why didn't you ask me for help? Did you know that you were going to do this? My anger should be tempered, as I believe that you were sick and didn't know reality from nightmare and you tried to free yourself. However, I'm mad at the malfunction of your brain, I'm mad that such a thing can happen so quickly and not be noticed by those around you, I'm mad at your friends who knew something was wrong but didn't take you to a hospital. Then again, how can I be mad at them when I failed you as well? I know I failed you many times and the last time was surely the worst. Even though I was 2000 miles away, I still was there. You'll never know how many times I've cried and punched my fist into my pillow because I didn't email or call you. I figured I would soon, but I got distracted with my life and waited. That is a mistake I will never make again. I am haunted by you. I cannot find peace in this life because I have no answers for where you have gone or how you are. I miss you so very much always, but especially this time of year. How often did we lay on your roof watching the stars and planning our futures? How could we not see this coming? This is not what you had planned. How did we get so derailed? You never really did belong to me. . how true those words are now. Funny how a song we loved so much at the time could be such a predictor for the future. It plays over and over in my head, even when I am not listening to it. So, happy birthday my Chris. I'll never understand this. . and I'll never stop missing you. I will try to honor you by loving those around me as much as I can and never stay out of touch with those important to me. But, that will never be enough because nothing will ever bring you back. Not to me or to all the other people who never had the chance to meet this fantastic person. Knowing you as I did, I feel so burdened by that. . if I could have done something to help you, I swear I would have -- those people deserved to meet you, know you, and love you. Chris, you missed out on so many things by leaving early - I wanted to go to your wedding, I wanted to see your name in medical journals, I wanted to see your kids, I wanted to know you when we were old--I just wanted to see you again, if even for just one last time. Forgive me for sounding angry at you. I truly believe you did not know what you were doing but I am angry at the unfairness of it all. Mostly, I am sad that we weren't as nearly glued together as we thought we were because if that had been true, I would have never let this happen to you. Forgive me and happy birthday, my sweet Chris. |
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