Tuesday, January 24, 2006
 | Current mood:  awakeI thought it was time to catch up all the friends who have been asking how I've been doing. I wish the news were better. The one good thing is as I write this, my new kitten, Smacky, is trying to help me type this. She has been the one good thing that has happened to me in the past 2 weeks. 4 months old and all kitten, but that is another story. So, the update. Yeah, well changed meds a while back and seemed to be helping. I actually thought that maybe I was turning a corner over MLK weekend. . I actually had energy and did fun art stuff, walked the dog, didn't nap excessively, and had a good attitude. However, Tuesday following I was back to where I'd been. . with one difference. I'm not going to take sleeping pills anymore. . I don't care if I'm up all night, I just am going to free my body of that trap and hope I can fall into a good sleep pattern again. . or so I say. I'm not real confident on my abilities to comment on how I will manage my sleep. This past weekend was the opposite. I was tired, bored, restless but had no energy to do a thing. I basically slept the day away Saturday. On Sunday, I did go to lunch w/ an old friend and it was great to see her. Nothing like 25 years of friendship to form a bond that cannot be broken. But, even she could see I am very, very sad. I could tell that despite my cheery demeanor, she knew I was profoundly depressed. I then lost it when I got home. I was taking a bandage off a surgical wound that I have and accidentally tore some skin. . seriously minor. . . but I broke down into sobbing tears and I ended up crying for about 3 hours. I do not know what is wrong with me. I constantly hurt, whether it's emotional or physical. But I always have an ailment. . and I'm not a hypochondriac. . I am pretty tough, especially given my medical history. I am scared for I have ran out of options as to what I can do. I've tried a set schedule, tried medications, and have tried therapy. I would like to go to therapy but for reasons concerning my job it's not "safe" and I feel fairly victimized by that source being taken from me. If you know what I am talking about you are not safe with the patient/confidentiality law. . trust me that the government can coerce you into handing over anything. . as it has happened to me. So, I pose a question to you readers -- what do I do? I know people read this, I see views daily and I need help. I just can't take too much more of this lack of enthusiasm for life. . it's such a waste. I also can't keep up my front of feeling okay when I have to and then falling apart later. I want to help myself and I want to have energy. . I don't want to sleep my days away in order to escape reality. . but I don't know how when I am always tired and feeling awful. Please, if you have ideas, know of things I'm missing, or just have some words of wisdom, I welcome your response. Okay, Smacky *really* wants to write something so here goes: fddsxfdsds90xerre34saasaser |
No comments:
Post a Comment