Friday, December 30, 2005
 | Current mood:  indescribable Halloween party in October of 1995. Newly single and ready to party, I attend this soiree with great expectations and I am not disappointed. Struggling through the crowd with a costume and a beer, I see him from across the room immediately. Intense eyes, looking directly into you; a smile that lights up this person to their fullest; full lips that have the look of someone who's been outside in the snow; and that hair. . messy, long, light brown that I could run my hands through it over and over again. Hours pass and soon I am engaged in deep conversation with this person. I am shocked to learn he is only 19 while I am the wise, old 23. But, I know with this person that age isn't a factor, he far outweighs my maturity. We talked about everything and a bond was established. Not a friend bond, but a bond that goes beyond those realms. The party started to end and we both seemed astonished that so many hours had gone by. Over the next several weeks, turning into months, we were inseparable. I could not stand to be away from him for too long and the passion I felt was equally shared on his end. We had many dissenters. . I was too old, he was too young, what could we possibly have in common. . but we did have the core thing in common - the thing that keeps people together - a bond of love. As the holidays approached my fears grew. He would be leaving our town to return to school for a semester. I had my share of long distance relationships and was scared this would turn out like all of the others. The "wise" 23 year old did the absolute, most careless thing. I pushed him away, I stopped taking his calls, and he went away hurt, hating me, and feeling as if I was not the person he had been in love with. I also hurt immensely but felt I had no right to feel this way. Looking back, a simple talk would have given us the year back that we lost over this, but I didn't know how and wasn't nearly as wise and adult as I had thought. The following year, I trudged along with life, feeling empty and sad. Again, as the holidays grew close, I felt this strong urge to contact him and try and explain. I agonized over an email and sent it to his school address and was astonished to see he was back in town for 9 months. To say we just got back together would be an insult to his pride. He very cautiously took the time to get to know me again. We had many 'dates' where we were strangers, like we had never met before. I also remember many nights being so sick to know that I might have lost this precious soul forever. After a few months of this, and a lot of talking, we fell into a routine of friends. Disappointed, was I, but glad to have any form of friendship with him. Then, a few weeks before Easter, he had to leave for a week. When I left his house that night, we hugged but the Universal winds had changed. I could feel it and so could he. What started as a hug grew into so much more and we were probably the closest we'd ever been that night, both emotionally and physically. It's a night that will never fade in my mind. That spring we spent much time cooking (or attempting to), sleeping on his roof to see the stars at night, listening to him play his guitar and sing, and I was lulled into this love affair. However, by June, I could again feel the winds of the Universe were about to change again and while I understand now the reason for it, I certainly didn't then. By June we both thought it'd be best to date others and shortly thereafter I met the man I would end up marrying. However, we kept in touch daily, doing things together, and there was never a moment of animosity. Time than sped up. . he moved back to school to finish his PhD and I got married, bought a house, and was wrapped up in domestic bliss. However, no matter where I was, he was always looking out for me. Our town had a horrible wildfire in 2000 and we were out of our home for 2 weeks. . within 5 minutes of phone service being restored, it rang, and it was him - makingn sure we were okay. In summer of 2003, he had finished his PhD and found a dream job in England. I was so very proud of this person. I loved him in a way you can't explain unless you've shared very special moments. I don't remember the last time we spoke, but it was close to his departure in July. From all accounts, his life there was flourishing. He had a wonderful job, was in a band, and played soccer. He had tons of friends and I'm sure he had his share of lady friends, too. Then, as we all dread, I got the phone call that changed my life. His mother, a strong, dear person, called me because I was the one person who truly knew him out here. She told me a very sad story. One that I will never totally understand, but suffice it to say, he suffered an acute on-set of schizophrenia and had killed himself in the most public place and in the most violent way. I could not even make his funeral, as my grandfather was buried that same day. There was no note, no sign, no warning. To this day, I do not, I *will* not believe he killed himself. I believe something insidious was inside his mind and it forced actions out of him that he could not control. My heart is broken and part of my soul is gone. I now understand why our love ended so easily and amicably that summer of 1997. The Universal One, the Creator of this World, knew what fate we both we face and knew that I could not emotionally deal with it had we continued on in our blissful relationship. Thus, I moved on to someone I love with all my heart and so what was best for both of us was decided right then. However long it had been since we had been together, I loved him all the same. I ache to hear his voice, to read his sarcastic writings, to hear him play guitar, and to have his arms around me. I also feel so angry because he was cheated. Cheated out of so many things to come in his life. But, in more quiet times, I realize that maybe he wasn't cheated but has moved onto something far more important than those things on this earthly plane. I also have survivor's guilt. . why couldn't I be the one who saved him? I'm actually writing a song about that. He was my angel who saved me so why couldn't I save him back? I'll never have all the answers and will never be okay with his parting from the earthly realm. But, I am trying to live my life each day in peace and remember him for who he was and all that he taught me. If I could say anything to him, I think it would be that I loved him so much and that I hope it pervades the different realms of spirits; that I don't understand why he is gone but if that is what he wanted then I am okay with it; and finally, to please never lose sight of me for I truly believe we will meet again and under different circumstances. I believe Billy Corgan wrote a lyric for the song Muzzle that says "All things surely have to end. Great loves always have to part". . so maybe this is the time for us to be apart. However, I pray every night that I will have him in my life again, whether here or on another plane. He was someone you've liked to know. |
No comments:
Post a Comment