Monday, December 12, 2005
 | Current mood:  tired Ever notice how beautiful, yet sad, a snowflake can be? Each delicate one is so uniquely made from the stars and heavens above only to fall slowly to the ground where it immediately dies and melts away. This year I have often felt like a snowflake. . not in the aspect of its beauty, but because I know I am one of those unique entities sent from the heavens to fall down to this earth. Yes, I should be less fragile, but the point is, I'm not - I melt away every time I touch down. I carry a deep sadness within me that causes my falls from the skies to be fatal. I try and stop the inevitable crash to the ground but I can't seem to figure out what keeps the other snowflakes around me to be able to stick to a tree, an icicle, or anything to stay alive for one more precious moment. Why am I sad? I don't know. I just feel empty. I have everything to be joyful for - a man in my life who exceeds my dreams, a close-knit set of friends, means that are enough to be comfortable & warm, a great family, and my beautiful, soul-bearing cats and dog who are one of the few things that make me smile. I am sitting here today in my warm house, with the silence that falls in the afternoon, where the cats have all curled up to take another dreamy adventure. I have a Christmas tree up and in the darkened room, it glows and looks like jewels or stars twinklingn from the sky. My point? I am at home. I should be at work and again, for the millionth time, I just could not face the day. My job is fine, it's not that, it's the simple acts that stymie my ability to join the world of the living - like getting dressed, brushing my teeth, and actually putting my coat on to go outside. Am I depressed? Obviously it looks that way, and yes, on medications I am. But they don't lift the heavy veil that hangs over my eyes and makes me unable to function. After a day like this, I always try, try, try to be better and shake myself out of this but I've fallen into an old well and each time I get out, it's a struggle and takes a part of me that I can't get back. . so when I fall back into the well, as I did today, I am angry with myself and also helpless. I believe in a U2 song it talks about peace and says something like "Will we ever live in peace? For those who can't do, often have to and those who can do, often have to preach." I feel quite disgusted w/ myself for being in the latter category - I have all the benefits of a peaceful life while so many are living in horrible times and horrid conditions and I'm the one who can't be at peace? I've been given the gift of freedom, free will and I throw it away by staying in my bed all day, looking at the ceiling. I certainly don't deserve the peace that so many others are worthy of and find out of sheer need. My admiration of these people is great and my disgust of myself even greater. My promise? To keep trying. To keep crawling up out of the well and try to avoid falling back in. . but how many chances do I get? I think I've used my fair share. . |
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