Friday, December 30, 2005
 | Current mood:  melancholyMost people in this world refer to a soulmate as being the "perfect" person that they are "meant" for in life. I find this a big load of crap. No offense, but honestly, do you really think that there is just *one* person out there for you in this world? And if so, did you think the chances of meeting this person might be a bit slim? So, are you settling for someone else? And if so, what happens if the real thing comes along? Do you magically say "you're the one I've been waiting for all my life" and then you run away to Canada with this person? What about your life that you crafted with other people? Are they just left behind? See, that theory has some major holes. I do believe that a person has a soulmate (now I know this sounds very hypocritical, but hear me out) but I'm not of the belief that a/it has to be a romantic connection and b/it doesn't have to be another human being. I said I'd write about the things bothering me so this is blog 2 of 3 on the subjects. I believe my soulmate is a feline soul and I have had the chance to know this soul in this life 2 times. The first time was back in the summer of '91 and my then-boyfriend gave me a little kitten from his aunt who bred Siamese cats. . wedgies to be specific (this matters if you know Siamese cats). I remember specifically picking up this little soul and driving downtown in Las Cruces, NM with it being about 100 degrees and having this little soul howl his little lungs out the entire way home. He was a little runt and looked like a rat, his points had not grown in yet, so he was almost completely cream colored. I was hooked in the heart within the first 5 minutes. At the time, I was really into the Violent Femmes and named him Femme. I feel bad about this, as he was a boy, but all the same, he was a really smart cat. I would say "Femme, get your belt" and I'd see him get up, hear the squeak of my cheap apartment closet door opening, hear the banging of the wire hangers in the closet, and finally hear the padding of his little feet as he'd lay the belt down by me. We'd play for hours with that thing. Femme was also my roommate, in addition to my other cat--Murphy Brown. Femme slept with me every night. Same routine -- he'd paw at the covers, get inside, and lay right up next to my stomach and put his paw in my hand. I loved that cat more than I'd ever loved anything in my life and I was very surprised at how much I could love this little creature. I know this sounds crazy but we'd talk to one another and I'd actually hear what he had to say back. I know it wasn't self-speak, as I wouldn't say some of those things. Then, suddenly, when he was three he died. He had an anaphylactic (sp?) seizure at the vet. It was a freak accident. I was devastated. My best friend had died and I literally was wrapped in grief about him for years. At that point, I'm not sure I realized that he was my soulmate or the lesson he was trying to teach me. In the early spring of 1995, I got in touch with a breeder who had a litter of Siamese wedgies. I wanted a boy and she only had girls, so I wasn't too sure about it. However, she sent me a photo of the 3 available and I knew the *second* I saw her that she was the one. It wasn't until later that I'd realize she was also the same soul of my beloved Femme. My mom and I drove to meet the woman half-way and ended up in Vaughn, NM. For anyone who has ever been to Vaughn, not much there. We waited at a cafe and I was as nervous as a new parent ready to adopt a baby. Suddenly, a big Cadillac blew up into the parking lot and the breeder got out. We made the usual pleasantries and then she told me to go get my girl. I opened the passenger side door and couldn't figure out where the cat was. . she was so tiny (fit into the palm of your hand) and she also didn't have her points yet, so she blended into the cream colored interior. I picked that baby up and she immediately started crying. My mom held her all the way home and that baby cried the entire way. She looked a bit like a fruit bat, with those big dark eyes and ears too big for her body. That night, she paced the house, looking for her siblings and mommy. I felt so bad for her. Finally she resided under my bed. So, I wedged myself under as far as I could and reached out and held her palm/paw. We slept that way the first night. Imagine my amazement when the next day, she was this confident, in-your-face kitten and started sleeping with me exactly like Femme had done. Princess Beanie had just stolen my heart again. We had eight wonderful years together. She often weeded out my boyfriends by showing her distaste of them at night. She'd crawl in the bed and bite their privates. . only if they weren't suitable. She finally accepted Jason so I knew he was the real deal. It pains me to tell this part, but we went camping over labor day in 2003 and when we came home we found her dead from a very freak accident. So freak, I think that she did it on purpose. I could tell you all the details and the reasons why I believe it was self-inflicted, but you'll either believe me or not. I can't tell you how much I suffered. I don't remember the rest of that day. My parents and Jason say I screamed "no" for a few hours. I'm still not over it, but I have figured a few things out. Her departure marked a big change in where my life was going. In a way, she moved me to where I needed to be spiritually. She also got me to start thinking that she was the same soul as my Femme and that she wasn't coming back again until I figured it out. So, what was the big lesson? I *think* it's that I can't control life. I can't safeguard her or anyone else to try and make sure they are going to be with me for their entire life. I can't hold onto them so tightly. I have to be able to deal with life even if I am the only one left. The other part of the lesson is that she's not really gone, just out of my reach. If I try hard enough with meditation I can feel her and see where she is, but I know she's not ready to come back yet, so I know I haven't mastered either parts of the lesson yet. Was it worth loving both of these cats, who are the same being, for all the sadness? My answer HELL YES. I have never loved so openly, so forgivingly, and so deeply. So, you can think I'm a nut-case but I know that she is my soulmate and whether she's in a male or female body, it doesn't matter. In fact, if I had enough self-awareness and practice, I could see her even w/o her body. I'm working on it. . but I know w/o a doubt that there is an afterlife and she is clearly there giving me signs now and then. Clear signs that refute any doubt that it's her. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on those who believe soulmates are people and that it all works so magically, but I think that your soulmate is the one who walks with you through the hard times and is often the one who hits you with the tough issues for your soul's benefit, even if it does hurt. I love you miss Bean. . I can't wait to see you either in Summerland or this side. I'll do my best to master my lessons. You are reason enough alone to try hard. In fact, you're the best reason. I love you. |
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