Tuesday, December 20, 2005
 | Current mood:  sad I am alive, although my body thinks otherwise. Energy is something it seems to never have known, or at least nothing it recognizes as familiar now. Sustenance of the body is of no importance, for it has no reason to be refueled. Sleep comes and goes, but is my best friend, as it allows me to escape into a place where there is no pain and no boundaries. Despite all my efforts to stay out of the land of the living, my body pushes on in the everlasting battle. I'd like to think that part of my soul is still trying to live. What has brought me to such a place? Too many traumas in such a quick time. I am ashamed when I see my reaction to these traumas. Certainly others in life have faced far more adversity and kept on going simply because they had the inner-strength. I believe that my soul has been broken and parts of it are missing and scattered, much like a broken vase when it hits a hardwood floor. Where are these missing pieces? That is one question I do know the answer to. Pieces were given away as precious gifts to a person who accepted them freely. However, when it no longer became convenient for him to have these gifts, he merely forgot about them and they linger, scattered somewhere apart from my core. Not only did he lack the courage to admit how he really felt, he also lacked the courtesy of releasing the part of me that he held so close. I believe to this day that he holds the pieces of my soul hostage because he isn't safe without them and he knows this, deep down inside. Selfish, but at least human. Pieces were taken, and freely given, by Princess Beanie. Only she knows the true meaning of why such awful things happened, but I suspect that there is a much deeper lesson than the ones I have tried to come up with. For her, I don't want my broken pieces back, as I feel that she still nutures and loves them and at some point they will be reclaimed when we meet again. The other scattered and broken pieces were taken when my friend, my lover--Chris--took his own life in such a violent manner. Death is a part of life, but how can suicide ever be something you can accept when the person was a healthy 28 year old with so much to live for? I am unsure how to get the pieces of my soul back from him, as I truly do not know where he roams. Part of my soul was given to him in a way only someone in love can give, but the rest was taken by such a deep and horrific loss. Shamanic healers are known to be ones who can find and pick up the pieces of your soul and paste them back together. In a complicated ritual, they go to the lower and upper worlds on the astral plane and work to find the shards of their patient's missing souls. These gifted healers then return to the earthly plane and physically blow the pieces of the missing soul back into their patient's body. I have yet to find such a healer, even though I live in a place where there are many close by. Possibly I am scared of being whole again? Possibly I am unsure how to live in this world and be happy? Have I veered off course so much that I can no longer understand that pain is a part of this life? That without pain I am incapable of ever knowing happiness? The sad lesson I've learned is jaded and depressing. Which is -- be guarded, choose whom you love carefully, and certainly do not give any part of your soul to anyone -- all of this could cause you to be in the state where I am at. What a horrible and disrespectful view of this beautiful earthly life. To never let yourself love or give yourself away is not living, it's simply getting by. Am I sorry or regretful for the missing pieces of my soul? Certainly not in the cases of Princess Bean and my beautiful Chris. But beware of those who are not all they claim to be. My compromise? Caution and many walls. If the spirit is worthy of part of your soul, they will continue to love you until all your walls are broken down and then you will know that they are worthy of part of your soul, and you in part, are worthy of a piece of theirs. It's extremely sad that we must live our lives in this state of compromise. It would be such a better world if we knew that spirits were exactly how they appeared to us, not colored by our feelings for them. But this world is not fair and to live as I am living is no way to be. Thus, compromise and when you find those worthy, love them as much as you are able and for as long as you can and maybe then it is worth the pain of hearing your soul shatter as it breaks. |
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