Tuesday, December 06, 2005
 | Current mood:  cold okay, so i can't take credit for the title, but thank you to the ever-brilliant, Billy Corgan for that lyric from the song, Slunk. it's so perfect. . i mean, 3 words get my entire point across. One, you are a real motherfucker and deep down inside, i think you know this. Two, ride on just has so many good connotations - in other words, leave me alone; don't try and be anywhere near me; forget that you ever had my respect on any level. do i sound angry? gee, i wonder why. a few words: courtesy, isolation, remorse, and karma. hmm. . courtesy - i guess promises you make don't mean much as in the "i'll tell ya before anyone else knows" bullshit. . and to make it even worse, you had the chance to just confirm what i already asked you, but instead you denied it. isolation - now this is self imposed, i admit, but it sure seems like i get the absolute short end of the stick here. i can't go to hardly any group friend event because you'll be there and you make me sick and upset any time i see or talk to you. . so a night alone on the couch far outweighs the consequences of seeing you. still, mighty unfair. . your audacity to think it's perfectly okay for us to co-exist disgusts me. onto remorse - or rather, lack thereof. . you have absolutely no feelings of sadness, guilt, responsibility, etc. . in terms of how we ended up and i definitely am the one who has suffered. and the last, great one - karma. oops, better look that one up, not sure you know what that means. according to good old Webster, karma is defined as "the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence". However, you don't have to be a Hindu or Buddist to believe in it. . and as i know it to be true, you should really be worried. now, for the simple minded person, i can see how you would brush this off, snicker, say you don't take fault or believe in 'karma shit' and that i am 'off my rocker, lady'. . and i understand that you can't get the real ramifications of the situation. you are what i call a blinder, a person who draws the line in the sands of the past and doesn't look back past that line. when things get complicated or tricky, you just mix up your life's variables and move on. forget the casualties. i also know you'd like to call me crazy, or off-balance, but honestly, i am fully aware and in control of my destiny. i have decided to clean up my moral act: no more lying, doing an honest day's work, trying to be kind to all those around me, and most importantly, being honest about how i feel. i am the opposite of you. i wear my emotions proudly on my sleeve. . every drop of blood i lose is going to be noticed by those who are around me. . and if you choose to put on your blinders to the bloodletting you've caused, then fine. as Hermes said (yeah, you might want to look him up, not sure you're academically or spiritually there) "as above, so is below" - which means all actions here do have an effect on the Universe and any good act begets good energy back to you, whereas any bad act begets bad energy. you're have big changes coming up and soon you will not only be responsible for your own self, but for 2 others. the time will come where you cannot draw a line in the sand, or mix up your life's variables to suit your needs. in other words, you're not going to be able to duck out of the party once it stops being fun. doing so will make you a deadbeat dad and husband. i don't wish you ill will, but i do thank the AA approach for letting me get over all the grief about you. the 'take one day at a time' motto works well for me. . each day i can go w/o talking or seeing you is another day that i realize how much better off i am w/o you in my life and that you really are the motherfucker i mentioned above. yeah, you'll blow this off, but deep down inside, i am sure you know what the real truth is. it's your blinders and self-denial that help you sleep at night. and sleep well, i'm sure. maybe that's why i am an insomniac, i think about the things bothering me and look for a way to address them. that is called being in tune w/ yourself and being real. you are about the farthest from real than anyone i have ever met. so ride on motherfucker! |
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