Wednesday, January 18, 2006
 | Current mood:  thoughtful Today marked the end of a relationship that has caused so much pain and suffering in my life. It was truly the last straw and one that I think I am okay with. I was told by my former best friend that we shouldn't communicate any longer by email or otherwise, because it caused him "too much anxiety". Wow, that'll make you feel about 2 inches tall in about 2 seconds. I don't usually view myself as a anxiety-producing person, with the exception of to myself. So I started to think about this and I start to see the final illusions of my relationship with this person fall apart. This is a blessing, an ability to let go. . but there is still the pain of rejection from someone you really thought loved you and cared about you. I think of his life and think about all the sources of anxiety that he has and maybe I am the only thing he can let go of without cost. I certainly didn't fight the request, as I would never badger someone who didn't want to hear from me. . but I wonder how much other anxiety he must be under to feel so overloaded. Yeah, his life is changing. . my take is he is in super debt, has a fiancee that doesn't want to talk about a wedding, and a baby due in the summer. I guess the sad part is, I should be a feeling of support, not one of anxiety, but when has our relationship ever been normal? I feel like someone who has gone through a difficult divorce and nasty proceedings to make it final. It's now done and over, which is a huge relief, but you find youself wondering "how did I ever think I cared for this person at all?" or "who is this person?". . . and that is how I feel now. As always, there is this small piece of hope that thinks that maybe he really does care about me deep down inside but puts up this facade because he cannot handle facing the issues to make it right with me. But I realize, that is bullshit and if he cared at all for me, he'd be making an effort. Over the past few years, this knowledge of his lack of caring about me has always been like a knife stuck into me and caused a lot of pain, scarring, and blood loss. However, this time, it was not like that. It was more like a pin prick that hurt for a brief second and then went away. In a way, it's best that he said that, as I will never call him, email him, and if I see him I will act as if I don't know him, and in truth, I really don't anymore. I would never put my energy and love into someone who has absolutely no regard for returning it. A very wise woman gave me a few things to think about when the new year started and I think they are worthy of sharing with you. One, she encouraged me to seek out someone I know, whether I know them well or not, and write them a card or note and give them a small gift and tell them that I appreciate them. At first, I wasn't sure how this would go over, but it's been a really positive thing. I have found that there are people out there who do like me and want my friendship and I have also found that there are people who need that one little reminder that they are special because they are having a hard time themselves. It doesn't mean I want to rack all of these people up as new best friends, but it's nice to put good energy out there and see a smile on someone's face that you put there. The second thing this wise woman told me is to spend at least 15 minutes with one of my pets a day. I guess I already thought I did this, but not really in such a concentrated manner. I have found such feelings of happiness, love, and joy when either grooming one of my cats, or having a play group with 2 or 3 of them together. Animals remind you of what is important - the here and now. They don't worry about yesterday (or even the past hour) and certainly don't worry about tomorrow. . they are just happy to be here for this moment and to share time with them is not only fun, but enlightening. If only we could all learn to live our lives like that. So, since 2006 began, I may have taken 1 step back in the friendship department but I think I've gained at least 2 steps forward by seeking out positive people for myself, and animals, too! Now that I've accepted the end of this friendship, I don't find the silence of his rejection so painful anymore. . it's more of a relief. I know I won't have to agonize over this person or his problems anymore and so the silence is the most welcome sound to my ears. |
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