Blog #25-from myspace.com (2/92006)

Thursday, February 09, 2006

A Birthday Wish - 02/11/1976 Current mood: sad Happy Birthday, Chris. If you were here you'd be 30. I can't believe you're gone. I've been thinking a lot about those who leave us prematurely in life lately and of course, my thoughts come to you. Remember us this time of the year? Early spring? Today was much like the days when we were together. It held the promise of the earth and trees waking up, a promise of life to come, and the air was pregnant with the smell of fresh beginnings. Do you remember what we used to say to each other? That we were stuck together with God's glue? That was so funny to both of us, especially since you were an atheist and I was agnostic. I can tell you this, I've looked into the sun since you've left and I've not been afraid of what I might see, how could I possibly be when the worst thing has already happened? Did you look into the sun? Did you see something that made you so afraid that you had to leave this life by your own hand? I want to be happy and grateful for your birthday. Grateful I surely am, you loved me and saved me from one of the most miserable parts of my life. But happy? How can I be happy when I realize that it's been almost 2 years since you left? I didn't think I was angry with you, but I am. Why? What was so horrible? Why didn't you ask me for help? Did you know that you were going to do this? My anger should be tempered, as I believe that you were sick and didn't know reality from nightmare and you tried to free yourself. However, I'm mad at the malfunction of your brain, I'm mad that such a thing can happen so quickly and not be noticed by those around you, I'm mad at your friends who knew something was wrong but didn't take you to a hospital. Then again, how can I be mad at them when I failed you as well? I know I failed you many times and the last time was surely the worst. Even though I was 2000 miles away, I still was there. You'll never know how many times I've cried and punched my fist into my pillow because I didn't email or call you. I figured I would soon, but I got distracted with my life and waited. That is a mistake I will never make again. I am haunted by you. I cannot find peace in this life because I have no answers for where you have gone or how you are. I miss you so very much always, but especially this time of year. How often did we lay on your roof watching the stars and planning our futures? How could we not see this coming? This is not what you had planned. How did we get so derailed? You never really did belong to me. . how true those words are now. Funny how a song we loved so much at the time could be such a predictor for the future. It plays over and over in my head, even when I am not listening to it. So, happy birthday my Chris. I'll never understand this. . and I'll never stop missing you. I will try to honor you by loving those around me as much as I can and never stay out of touch with those important to me. But, that will never be enough because nothing will ever bring you back. Not to me or to all the other people who never had the chance to meet this fantastic person. Knowing you as I did, I feel so burdened by that. . if I could have done something to help you, I swear I would have -- those people deserved to meet you, know you, and love you. Chris, you missed out on so many things by leaving early - I wanted to go to your wedding, I wanted to see your name in medical journals, I wanted to see your kids, I wanted to know you when we were old--I just wanted to see you again, if even for just one last time. Forgive me for sounding angry at you. I truly believe you did not know what you were doing but I am angry at the unfairness of it all. Mostly, I am sad that we weren't as nearly glued together as we thought we were because if that had been true, I would have never let this happen to you. Forgive me and happy birthday, my sweet Chris.

Blog #24-from myspace.com (2/7/2006)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Dysorganized Current mood: numb Wow, for my entire life I have been told I'm very organized, very detail-oriented, in other words - obsessive compulsive. So, what do I do? I take medication for this. . because some of my organization goes a little too far. For a while, this works pretty well and then the seduction begins. You suddenly hear about new drugs that are better and have less side effects. You hear about these in all the media and you decide that maybe you aren't doing the best you can do in terms of medications. So you switch to a new one and find that they do have less side effects but don't help you as much as the first. You are then seduced again. Seduced to believe that a regular MD isn't as good as a psychiatrist and that you really should be seeing one instead. You break your decade long alliance with your MD and see a psychiatrist who instantly tells you that you are clearly on all the wrong medications. What would a silly MD know? This is her job to know. So, she gives you a new drug and what happens? You have this complete and total melt-down within 48 hours of taking it. You act like a meth addict and don't sleep, you have such bad shaking that you can't keep your head still, you call and call and call your doctor, oops, psychiatrist--and she never returns your calls, not even 3 days later when it's all said and done. Then, a few days later you realize that you have this odd rash on the one side of your back and wow, you've got SHINGLES. You go to the emergency room doctor, just a silly MD remember, who says that a very stressful situation or a severe reaction to a medication could've caused this breakout. . hmm. . does anything in my recent past meet this criteria? Fortunately, the silly MD gives you medications that stop the spread of the shingles but you do suffer for about 6 months. During this time, you go back to your psychiatrist and she says it's very rare and there was no way for her to realize that you'd actually have such a reaction. . but time to move on, let's start you on a better drug. You ask what the side effects are, as this is not your normal OCD drug and she says they are less than the SSRIs, which are usually used for my type of problem. You take her in total trust because you truly believe, plus she's a PSYCHIATRIST for God's sake, so she must be really knowledgeable about it. You start taking this drug and at first, all seems well. However, you suddenly start slipping into oblivion. Yep, all the OCD signs are gone. . it sure is working great! However, there seems to be a slight problem. . you don't seem to have the motivation to do ANYTHING. Showering, brushing your teeth, eating, going to work, having fun, exercising, loving your family -- geez, can't quite get the energy up for any of those, but my meds are working! My smart psychiatrist says so! Then one day you realize that you sleep about 16 to 18 hours out of a day, but that's normal, right? I mean, the OCD problems are gone and I sure am better. I go and see my smart, nice, trusty psychiatrist and she informs me that she is not going to keep her practice anymore and geez, in this small town, there ain't another one. She assures me I can find someone and leaves it at that. So, I return to my faithful MD who is appalled that I am on this drug because it's not even indicated for OCD and I am on double the max dosage. . stupid me for believing the psychiatrist. He explains how bad the withdrawals are going to be. . didn't my smart psychiatrist tell me this before I started taking it? It's considered the medication for life. Meaning, you can never get off of it because the withdrawals are so bad. Really? Geez, that might have been nice to know, but I guess I didn't really ask about withdrawals just side effects -- oops, my mistake. But how bad can it actually be? Thus, I start my withdrawls in early July and I soon find out that wow, this stuff isn't a joke. I hallucinate, throw up and have diarrhea daily, have an all-over body itch for 2 months, lose 15 pounds, and don't sleep . . . but that's okay because I just have to worry about going to work every day and making a living. I only have a mortgage and the regular bills all adults have so geez, no pressure there. . and then I break. I humbly tell my just-an-MD that he was right from the very beginning that I didn't need to change medications. He's very nice about this and offers to help me through this time. . but at this point, I'm way too far gone. My body (and mind) is damaged severely. I am forced to leave work for 2 months and am flat on my back. . so sick and weak. Gee, I woulda thought my smart psychiatrist would have thought to have a regular blood work check ran on me to rule out other problems but of course not, I'm *normal*. She *knows* what the problem is. . but my just-an-MD insists that we should check things, just in case. What a novel idea! And guess what? I'm so anemic that at the current altitude (about 7000 ft) where I live he's wondering how I'm walking around, and my thyroid is completely out of whack. So the next 2 months are spent trying to recover but soon money runs out and I must return to work. I'm not better. . I'm still sick. First, I blame it on the physical issues but by December they are a whole lot better and I can't really blame my feeling lifeless on that. In some ways I find the whole thing amusing. . I start off trying to control my actions of over-organization, constant cleaning, overworking, having everything in place, always remembering dates and deadlines, planning for every part of my future, taking immaculate care of my pets and family, and on and on and on. . . . and now, not only do I not have the motivation to do even one of those things, I don't even have the motivation to move my legs and turn over in bed. But, I guess my super-smart psychiatrist sure did fix my problem! I'm certainly not "overly organized" anymore. I guess I didn't realize that it would mean my entire life would have to end and I would have to be pushed into such a depressive state that I almost think dying would be easier. Oh, and did I neglect to mention that the medication she put me on was supposed to be used for other anxiety illnesses that I do *not* have and that it forces you to be more "low key", i.e. - at 2 times the normal dosages, extremely depressed. So now, I'm hanging by a thread, making it just day by day. Here's my life. . it's a simple synopsis, as it never changes from day to day: I drag myself from the bed in the morning and go to work, I make myself stay there until it's time to go home (not an easy task, especially when your work place sucks ass, which is another story entirely), I don't eat breakfast or lunch because it's too inconvenient for me to get up and get something. I go home and change into my PJs and go to sleep. When my husband comes home, he wakes me up and sometimes gets me to eat dinner, sometimes not. I then go back to bed. End of life. Repeat every day, 7 days a week. I finally have had enough. . I'd much rather be the OCD "freak" I was before who went to work and blew through stuff, had a great appetitite, loved to go out with friends and have hobbies, volunteered at so many different places, laughed and had a sense of humor, and yes, spent a lot of time working on my life -- because as it stands now, I don't have a life. I simply exist. I am here because I don't have anywhere else to go. The really ironic part is I'm depressed now not due to a medication but because of all that happened to me *because* of the medication. . I am caught in this web of being completely dysorganized and am not only back at square one, but at whatever square came before that. .

Blog #23-from myspace (1/25/2006)

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

My Only Method of Comfort Current mood: sad I'm writing this tonight for my friend. . a friend I haven't known long, but whom I have felt an instant affinity for. A friend who has just experienced a horrible loss. My friend who has been a support, strength, and best friend to someone during the biggest struggle in one's life. My friend's wife died early this morning after a long illness. I am not sure my friend realizes just how much he did for her in enriching her life and not just during this illness. He was her best friend, loyal husband, nurse, and also gave her dignity up until the end of her time on this earth. Sadly for him, today was the day she decided to leave and did so within his loving arms. I am not sad for her, as she has moved onto a place that is much better than earth, but I am sad for him. Unfortunately, there are no words I can say to comfort him, there is no magickal spell I can perform to bring her back -- the best I can do is tell him how it is and where she is, for that I am sure of. He may not believe and that is okay but even if it gives him a smile or a whisper of belief, then I have done something to help. Thus, this is for you W.S., and I am always there for you. My beliefs are fairly different than most. But I firmly believe them and while no one can back up the spiritual world with the exception of their own experiences, I believe I have had enough happen to me to make me believe what I am about to write. First, I do not believe a spirit can die. A human body is energy and energy is not something that dissipates. It can change form, but it cannot disappear. For you science types, that is a law of physics. Thus, I believe that when the human body no longer is suitable for the spirit it sheds the shell and leaves. Second, I believe that spirits reincarnate many times to this earth and that before they come back, they choose exactly the life they will have and they choose all the trials and tribulations they will encounter because they need this to bring their soul to a higher level. Once born into a human form, they are not aware that they chose this path, but I believe they did and for very good reasons. Thus, it is some comfort to me that when we have problems and bad circumstances that we know we *are* in control of it and that this is for the higher good. They say animals don't forget this choice and that is why they are far less connected to their physical bodies for they see the larger picture, but human beings (or most of them) don't have that capacity. I take some comfort in knowing that I chose to be where I am at, even if I don't understand it at the time. They say that like souls travel together and that is a great comfort to me. I have seen a few of my animal souls come back to me in this lifetime and I am sure that humans bonded as tightly as my friend and his wife were, will be together again, in some capacity. Time has no bearing except in the earthly plane so it will work out again that they will be together when it is right. As for where I think my friend's wife is tonight, I believe that when she finally was able to free herself from her ailing body, she found herself in a very peaceful forest with a large, teak-wood bridge in front of her. The bridge spans a canyon with water underneath and she can see a beautiful landscape on the other side. I can't explain it to you, as I don't think human words can describe it, but she sees it and knows that is where she belongs. She is not scared, she is at peace, and she now has the memory of why things were the way they ended up. She may not cross this bridge yet, as she might want to stay in the earthly plane for a while to watch over her loved ones, but she is not confused, hurting, or even sad. . because she now knows that she can be with her loved ones on the earthly plane anytime she wants and she also can be in the spritual plane where she finds comfort, healing, and rest. When she, or another soul, is ready they will walk across the bridge and as they do so, they feel the human constraints of body, illness, bad emotions, etc. leave with every step they take forward. She can always look back and be right with her loved ones who are still on earth. However, the moment she takes her foot off the bridge and steps down on the opposite side, she is where she is supposed to be. This is Summerland. . a beautiful place and she is greeted by souls of those she has loved and known before. She is given time to reflect, rest, and meet with her spirit guides and to decide what her next step in her soul's life should be. . if she is to come back to earth, she will decide exactly how it will be and the Universe ensures that the souls she interacted with and bonded with so closely on earth will always be involved, as that is the way it is supposed to be. I cannot tell you a time frame, as time has no meaning there. But know she is happy, free, and loves those she left as much as before but without the sadness. One last thing is that when souls depart the body, they often stay in the earthly plane for a while to give comfort to their loved ones. Usually, the loved ones are too grief stricken to feel their presence. Some clues that are obvious to anyone is the strong smell of flowers, finding small trinkets in unusual places, and the actions of your pets. Pets can see souls and do not differentiate between them and those that are of this earth. If you see your pet staring at a spot on the wall or the floor and is doing so very intently, I can assure you that your wife is with you and is there to give you the love and energy you need to get through this. I hope this comforts you. If you can just take the pieces that mean something to you and they give you even a second of comfort, then I have done something right by you. I will be thinking of you daily. I will be sending you energy of all forms -- love, protection, safety, comfort, etc. and I will be here also by earthly methods if you need me.

Blog #22-from myspace.com (1/24/2006)

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Ketchup Current mood: awake I thought it was time to catch up all the friends who have been asking how I've been doing. I wish the news were better. The one good thing is as I write this, my new kitten, Smacky, is trying to help me type this. She has been the one good thing that has happened to me in the past 2 weeks. 4 months old and all kitten, but that is another story. So, the update. Yeah, well changed meds a while back and seemed to be helping. I actually thought that maybe I was turning a corner over MLK weekend. . I actually had energy and did fun art stuff, walked the dog, didn't nap excessively, and had a good attitude. However, Tuesday following I was back to where I'd been. . with one difference. I'm not going to take sleeping pills anymore. . I don't care if I'm up all night, I just am going to free my body of that trap and hope I can fall into a good sleep pattern again. . or so I say. I'm not real confident on my abilities to comment on how I will manage my sleep. This past weekend was the opposite. I was tired, bored, restless but had no energy to do a thing. I basically slept the day away Saturday. On Sunday, I did go to lunch w/ an old friend and it was great to see her. Nothing like 25 years of friendship to form a bond that cannot be broken. But, even she could see I am very, very sad. I could tell that despite my cheery demeanor, she knew I was profoundly depressed. I then lost it when I got home. I was taking a bandage off a surgical wound that I have and accidentally tore some skin. . seriously minor. . . but I broke down into sobbing tears and I ended up crying for about 3 hours. I do not know what is wrong with me. I constantly hurt, whether it's emotional or physical. But I always have an ailment. . and I'm not a hypochondriac. . I am pretty tough, especially given my medical history. I am scared for I have ran out of options as to what I can do. I've tried a set schedule, tried medications, and have tried therapy. I would like to go to therapy but for reasons concerning my job it's not "safe" and I feel fairly victimized by that source being taken from me. If you know what I am talking about you are not safe with the patient/confidentiality law. . trust me that the government can coerce you into handing over anything. . as it has happened to me. So, I pose a question to you readers -- what do I do? I know people read this, I see views daily and I need help. I just can't take too much more of this lack of enthusiasm for life. . it's such a waste. I also can't keep up my front of feeling okay when I have to and then falling apart later. I want to help myself and I want to have energy. . I don't want to sleep my days away in order to escape reality. . but I don't know how when I am always tired and feeling awful. Please, if you have ideas, know of things I'm missing, or just have some words of wisdom, I welcome your response. Okay, Smacky *really* wants to write something so here goes: fddsxfdsds90xerre34saasaser

Blog #21-from myspace.com (1/18/2006)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Silence of the End Current mood: thoughtful Today marked the end of a relationship that has caused so much pain and suffering in my life. It was truly the last straw and one that I think I am okay with. I was told by my former best friend that we shouldn't communicate any longer by email or otherwise, because it caused him "too much anxiety". Wow, that'll make you feel about 2 inches tall in about 2 seconds. I don't usually view myself as a anxiety-producing person, with the exception of to myself. So I started to think about this and I start to see the final illusions of my relationship with this person fall apart. This is a blessing, an ability to let go. . but there is still the pain of rejection from someone you really thought loved you and cared about you. I think of his life and think about all the sources of anxiety that he has and maybe I am the only thing he can let go of without cost. I certainly didn't fight the request, as I would never badger someone who didn't want to hear from me. . but I wonder how much other anxiety he must be under to feel so overloaded. Yeah, his life is changing. . my take is he is in super debt, has a fiancee that doesn't want to talk about a wedding, and a baby due in the summer. I guess the sad part is, I should be a feeling of support, not one of anxiety, but when has our relationship ever been normal? I feel like someone who has gone through a difficult divorce and nasty proceedings to make it final. It's now done and over, which is a huge relief, but you find youself wondering "how did I ever think I cared for this person at all?" or "who is this person?". . . and that is how I feel now. As always, there is this small piece of hope that thinks that maybe he really does care about me deep down inside but puts up this facade because he cannot handle facing the issues to make it right with me. But I realize, that is bullshit and if he cared at all for me, he'd be making an effort. Over the past few years, this knowledge of his lack of caring about me has always been like a knife stuck into me and caused a lot of pain, scarring, and blood loss. However, this time, it was not like that. It was more like a pin prick that hurt for a brief second and then went away. In a way, it's best that he said that, as I will never call him, email him, and if I see him I will act as if I don't know him, and in truth, I really don't anymore. I would never put my energy and love into someone who has absolutely no regard for returning it. A very wise woman gave me a few things to think about when the new year started and I think they are worthy of sharing with you. One, she encouraged me to seek out someone I know, whether I know them well or not, and write them a card or note and give them a small gift and tell them that I appreciate them. At first, I wasn't sure how this would go over, but it's been a really positive thing. I have found that there are people out there who do like me and want my friendship and I have also found that there are people who need that one little reminder that they are special because they are having a hard time themselves. It doesn't mean I want to rack all of these people up as new best friends, but it's nice to put good energy out there and see a smile on someone's face that you put there. The second thing this wise woman told me is to spend at least 15 minutes with one of my pets a day. I guess I already thought I did this, but not really in such a concentrated manner. I have found such feelings of happiness, love, and joy when either grooming one of my cats, or having a play group with 2 or 3 of them together. Animals remind you of what is important - the here and now. They don't worry about yesterday (or even the past hour) and certainly don't worry about tomorrow. . they are just happy to be here for this moment and to share time with them is not only fun, but enlightening. If only we could all learn to live our lives like that. So, since 2006 began, I may have taken 1 step back in the friendship department but I think I've gained at least 2 steps forward by seeking out positive people for myself, and animals, too! Now that I've accepted the end of this friendship, I don't find the silence of his rejection so painful anymore. . it's more of a relief. I know I won't have to agonize over this person or his problems anymore and so the silence is the most welcome sound to my ears.

Blog #20-from myspace.com (1/6/2006)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Fragmented Current mood: scared Today is my first day back at work after the break. I am terribly ashamed to say I barely made it through the day. I am currently in the midst of a horrid panic attack and hope you'll understand my fragmented writing. I'm scared. I can't seem to get better. I am so tired constantly with no real medical reason. Last night I actually got a full night's sleep and at work this morning I was dragging my tail between my legs just to get through the first few hours - hours when I am normally most alert. I'm tired. Tired of being tired and always sleepy. Tired of not being able to do anything. Tired of not being normal enough to just get out of bed, go to work, get it over with and come home. I guess this shouldn't surprise me when during our break I could barely make it outside for fun things. I spent my 35th birthday in my PJs that had been worn for 3 days. I'm worried. I don't know why work has become such a point of apprehension to me. I can't seem to sit still when I'm there and when I'm not there, I'm worried I'm in trouble. I get my job done but I'm getting to the point where I feel I need to do something else. . but what? In this town, you either work for the "organization" or you don't work. . it's such a 1 industry town. I'm shaking. I don't feel comfort in any of the things that normally comfort me. My cats, my bedroom, my bed, the sounds of my house as it's quiet during the afternoon. . I feel like I should be somewhere else but I don't know where that is. I've had enough. I don't know what to do from here. I've done all the things you are supposed to do. I am eating well, taking medications, my bloodwork has been checked over and over, I'm going to work, I'm trying to sleep well. . and none of it makes any difference. I want to roll over and die. I'm that tired of it. Only, I really want to live, but not like this. What is my purpose here? Surely it's not to be a burden to the 3 people I love so much. It can't be to be a slave to this organization and not be able to even make a go of it. For those who know me, where did my direction and enthusiasm go? My mom says that maybe my purpose here is for another person, but how can I help or be that source for them if I can't even get myself together? I know this is scattered. . that's how panic attacks are. You feel like you are about to die and you're body and mind feel that way too. Does anyone out there know how this is? Does anyone have a good ending? Can anyone tell me how to keep it together until I can get out of this state? If so, please tell me about it.

Blog #19-from myspace.com (12/31/2005)

Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Year's Revelations Current mood: optimistic I know, most people have New Year's resolutions, but they don't really work for me. Not to say I don't believe in them, as I've seen many folks stick to them, but for me, it's not that way. Thus, I've decided that I want to start 2006 by looking back at 2005 and seeing what revelations I might find. Whether this means change or not, is really dependent on what I find. First, over 2005 I've realized that I need to let things go. Specifically, trying to get the friendships and attention of those who don't give a rat's ass about me. Truly, I don't aspire to have everyone in this world like me. I know I have many traits that push people back, but I do have some very, very loyal and true friends and have found that the new ones I have pursued do not live up to my expectations. This may be partly my fault & partly theirs but in the end fault doesn't matter, does it? The outcome is the same. I have just decided that I don't want to waste any more time on those who could care less about me (hey Brad, are you relieved? it's been 3 years of actions and words from you telling me that exact thing and guess what--I finally got it). I'm not even mad about it anymore. Being mad gives it importance and I think that it's far more important to find new people who are truly interested in me than to keep busting my ass trying to fit into this circle of friends who never accepted me anything other than as J's wife. So, number one revelation -- let it go with all of them and search for those worth the time. What's the second? Well, another thing this year is that I learned the big lesson about not taking care of myself. I have never been sicker (except for when I was a child) as I was this year and 80 percent of it was my own fault. I ate crappy, kept bad habits, had a bad attitude, and took a lot of extra medications that I did *not* need. Just for the record, my psychiatrist is responsible for the other 20 percent, as she is the one who prescribed my un-needed medications that were hell to get off. So, revelation number two -- take care of myself, even if it seems as if that is all I can do for that day. For people with depression, it is sometimes the only thing you can do, but I am seriously going to try. I am going to try and eat better, sleep better, quit being a recluse, and be normal. I know for an absolute fact, I will have bad days and fall down, but I am going to try to keep on going. Who am I doing this for? Me, myself, and I. For once, it's all about me. Revelation number three -- there are just certain facts of life you can't change and you have to either move on or adjust. I guess I mean this in terms of this town and my job. But, I think everyone has had just about enough of the whining about my hatred for the job and this town. So, I either need to do something about it or shut up. It's that simple. I've seriously been looking into moving to Las Cruces and I love it there very much but then something deep inside me says to stay. So, for now, I'm not sure which path I will follow, but it will either be that I find a way to like my job or at least tolerate it; or I will take the big plunge and try Las Cruces. The last revelation, number four -- I have a great family. Yep, my family rocks. J, the katz, Rusty, my parents. . they have kept hanging on through this year with me when I've been most unpleasant, sick as a dog, out of my head, and just plain ugly to be around. They have saved me and I owe it to them,as much as myself, to get my act together. For you New Year's revelers, have a geat time out there and be safe. I, for one, will miss the big hour, as I am going to go to bed early and get my rest. Tomorrow is 2006 and I have a lot of things I need to start to work on.