Blog #20-from myspace.com (1/6/2006)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Fragmented Current mood: scared Today is my first day back at work after the break. I am terribly ashamed to say I barely made it through the day. I am currently in the midst of a horrid panic attack and hope you'll understand my fragmented writing. I'm scared. I can't seem to get better. I am so tired constantly with no real medical reason. Last night I actually got a full night's sleep and at work this morning I was dragging my tail between my legs just to get through the first few hours - hours when I am normally most alert. I'm tired. Tired of being tired and always sleepy. Tired of not being able to do anything. Tired of not being normal enough to just get out of bed, go to work, get it over with and come home. I guess this shouldn't surprise me when during our break I could barely make it outside for fun things. I spent my 35th birthday in my PJs that had been worn for 3 days. I'm worried. I don't know why work has become such a point of apprehension to me. I can't seem to sit still when I'm there and when I'm not there, I'm worried I'm in trouble. I get my job done but I'm getting to the point where I feel I need to do something else. . but what? In this town, you either work for the "organization" or you don't work. . it's such a 1 industry town. I'm shaking. I don't feel comfort in any of the things that normally comfort me. My cats, my bedroom, my bed, the sounds of my house as it's quiet during the afternoon. . I feel like I should be somewhere else but I don't know where that is. I've had enough. I don't know what to do from here. I've done all the things you are supposed to do. I am eating well, taking medications, my bloodwork has been checked over and over, I'm going to work, I'm trying to sleep well. . and none of it makes any difference. I want to roll over and die. I'm that tired of it. Only, I really want to live, but not like this. What is my purpose here? Surely it's not to be a burden to the 3 people I love so much. It can't be to be a slave to this organization and not be able to even make a go of it. For those who know me, where did my direction and enthusiasm go? My mom says that maybe my purpose here is for another person, but how can I help or be that source for them if I can't even get myself together? I know this is scattered. . that's how panic attacks are. You feel like you are about to die and you're body and mind feel that way too. Does anyone out there know how this is? Does anyone have a good ending? Can anyone tell me how to keep it together until I can get out of this state? If so, please tell me about it.