Blog #2-DBT Gone To Shit

This blog was originally written in October of 2008.

Sorry folks, another blog thread. Trust me that I feel worse than any of you that I am having to find another avenue to vent on. I know that my experience in California seriously saved my life -- I continue to do well and not be in any pain. But as fate always does, it throws you another curve ball. I knew this one was coming but chose to ignore it and hope that my good turn of events of this summer might help it not manifest again but that was just fooling myself.

I have depression. Not just normal depression, profound depression. Now my doctors are saying I have a form of bi-polar that is rare. Bi-polar usually gives the victim periods of extreme, euphoric highs and other periods of very extreme lows. My case does not have the highs but just the very deep, dark, and dank lows. Not sure if I am lucky for that or not. Whatever I have it is what has plagued me for the past 3 years. The first year I was so depressed (and inexperienced in depression) that I didn't know what to think -- so I slept, took meds, and just laid in bed. Now I *know* what's wrong and it's agony. My husband calls me "tormented" and I know he is right. Yes, I am still on the meds and I took the step to call my doctor and tell him I needed to go up on them because I could feel the dark cloud attach itself to my back.

I really believe depression is a demon and that there is no hell, just this life and if you are lucky it's a good ride but if you're not (or don't deserve it) then you find yourself wandering around in a body and in total agony. Any good parapsychologist will tell you that once a demon has fixed it's mind on you, you cannot get rid of it unless you exorcise it. You can move, change your name, change your life and it will follow you, and follow you, and follow you at every turn. That's how this depression is. . no matter what I do I don't feel relief, I don't feel light, I don't feel hopeful. Okay, I take that back for the 15 minutes after I've taken my nightly cocktail of drugs I feel that everything will be okay tomorrow but then I fall asleep and as soon as I wake up, my cloak of depression is back on and buttoned up tight.

Please believe me that I am trying. I am trying so hard. This is such a hard thing for me to deal with. I feel so guilty that all the $$ and time was spent on me to go to California and get physically well to come home and spend 23 hours out of the day in bed. It doesn't really matter if I am physically sick or not, the end result is the same -- I am the lump in the bed that says "fuck you" if you try to rouse me or encourage me. What a disappointment. My parents should've kept their $20K and bought a condo in a warm place, far, far away from me. That would probably have been better spent $$ (although I am grateful that I don't have pain but it doesn't seem fair to them that I am not reclaiming my life like I should).


I am in therapy. In fact, I initiated it. I must really be at my wit's end if I actually took the time to find my own therapist and go. . anyone who knows me knows that I abhor going to therapy. But I am. I found a good one this time -- she's been through the same type of depression I have and she's using a new therapy technique so I can't call it bullshit as I can about every other damn therapy technique that I've done and tried before (and there has been many).

DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I don't know all the in's and out's of it yet but the first phase is Mindfulness and that is just simply spending some time each day taking inventory of your emotions and physical feelings. The other big part of Mindfulness is that you attach real words to these feelings and don't judge them but just acknowledge and define. Sounds easy, right?

So I got back from my visit today and tried doing some of the Mindfulness and I can tell you my biggest enemy/road block is myself. I should be a permanent cast member on the new Christian Slater show "My Own Worst Enemy". I thought I'd share my feelings (both mental and physical) that I've had over the past few hours with you all and you'll get the gist of it -- I really do not like myself.

So here goes. . . .

My feelings of the past few hours (my pessimistic side calls this rumination):
-you're a piece of shit
-what a disappointment you are to your family
-why do you deserve to have friends or family? You give them nothing.
-you've let yourself go, your fat, ugly, and not willing to do anything about it.
-i'm stupid. how can someone this aware not be able to get out of this state?
-i don't deserve this life -- all of my friends work so hard to just have a few minutes with their family and friends and I have 24 hours a day to be free to do anything I want and all I do is waste my time laying in bed. I feel particularly bad about this one as my old friend has to travel a lot for his job and he clearly wants to be home with his "girls" (isn't that the cutest description, or what?) as much as he can -- and here he goes and does what he needs to do, works an honest job, and is still a great father, friend, etc. . and here I am sucking the life out of time and wishing that time would just go by faster. Why can't he have my time since I'm wasting all of it?
-i regret so many things from being young
-i'm so tired. tired of trying. tired of having this heavy thing on my back.
-i'm dead on the outside but the inside is screaming to get out (taken from a Coldplay song but not exactly).
-i'm so close to getting my shit back together but I will ruin it somehow.
-i'm always hot or cold (thyroid), i have to constantly monitor my neck which gets annoying, i'm skipping home treatments for my neck because I'm too fucking lazy -- I *just* got back my physical well being and I blow off the exercises? All I have to do is lay in traction for 15 minutes, 3 times a day -- but I can't do it.
-i can't read books, watch tv, anything -- i'm too agitated.
-how can i be agitated when i'm depressed? they seem the direct opposite of each other.
-i am full of anger -- anger at people who abandoned me, anger at myself for caring.
-i'm tired -- tired of going through this every day. I want to leave. I want to not be here anymore. NO, not suicidal -- but I want to not be in this body anymore.
-i'm sad -- i've lost all of my good traits. I think I used to be a fun, smart, and positive person. I loved with my whole heart and gave anything and any of myself or my time to those who are special to me. Now I'm too tired, too jaded, and don't want to bother because it will never work anyway.
-why does J. stay around? what good am I? i'm the reason he has to sell his Benz while I keep mine and i'm the reason he has to work too much because I no longer contribute.
-i'm a letdown of who I used to be. i think it's fairly safe to say I am not someone you'd want to be friends with now.

FINALLY:
-i am *tormented* -- every minute of my waking time by *these thoughts*. Who wants to get up and live when you have this alter-ego of a mind telling you this shit? You get so tired of exerting your energy that finally you succumb and say "ok, you must be right" and give in.

I think DBT is supposed to validate you and for me it just makes me go "I'm the biggest waste of time -- why bother?" I don't think that is how it's supposed to work but what's new about that w/ me?

As usual, I will end this with lyrics from a song by Billy Corgan. The song is called "Ugly" and I love it -- always have and maybe that was the seed in me that finally grew into this depression.

"Ugly" - Written by Billy Corgan (u know me, red/bold means "ding, ding" those words really resonate with me).

i don't look in the mirror
i don't like what I see staring back at me
everything is clearer
i'll never see what you see
it's not me
so beautiful and free
i'll never be what you need
i can't help it at all
i was born so beautiful
but now I'm ugly

and I rot in my skin
as a piece of me dies everyday
i know I'm nothing

i know there's nothing I can say
to change
the judgement in their ways
i'll never be what you need
i can't help it at all
my love was so beautiful
but now I'm ugly
yeah...

i'm good enough, but I don't care
i'm good enough, but I'm not there
i'm good enough, but I don't care
the sun is out, but I'm not there

(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough, but I don't care (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) The sun is out, but I'm not there (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere)

i don't look in the mirror
i don't like what I see staring back at me
everything is clearer
i'll never see what you see

and I rot in my skin
as a piece of me dies everyday
i know I'm nothing
because I'm ugly

l_l