 | Current mood:  pissed off Updates 12/1/05: "I thought I knew all it took to bother you I could've quoted this whole song it's so perfect. Albeit, a bit obvious in its message but when someone says what you want to say ------------------------------------------- "I'm thinkin' about my doorbell I love this song and love the lyrics, too. I mean, this is optimism at its best (although I don't think the song truly is optimistic at all). I mean, doesn't everyone hope at some point that a one-time special person is gonna show up either proclaiming their love for you or with their tail between their legs for how sorry they are? Or maybe it means opportunity. . when is it gonna show up? Either way, this is one groovy tune. ========================================= 11/19/2005 this is gonna be on-going. . i just have been listening to music a lot again lately and there are so many god-damn great quotes. Nailed it. Snap! I feel like this daily. . I hate my fucking job, tell people i hate it, am angry about it, and still no matter what I do, I'm trapped. The fucking 'organization' makes you a drone. . you go because they pay you insane $$ but there is no purpose, no respect, we are all rats and even if our offices are beautiful, they are just fucking cages and no one realizes it.
For some reason, people think that just because I talk to them about how much they've been shit heads to me, they think I care. I don't fucking care. . Don't they read between the lines "you fucked me over, shit head, I don't care. . you're wasting empty space". And, for the record, just cuz you're talking to me and I"m giving you the time of day (which you don't even deserve) and that does NOT mean we're friends from here on out. l_l |
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Blog #7-from myspace.com (11/19/2005)
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Saturday, November 19, 2005
| Current mood:  angry My mom always says i put on my 'game face'. . if you know me at all, you'll know what that is. Everyone, at work, school, where ever, always says "you're the most cheerful person i've ever met". HAH! What a fucking joke. My mom knows me so well. . my game face is my cheerful self, but have you ever met the real me? Probably not, unless you're in my inner-circle. . i'm a cynical, depressed, angry person. For those of you who have been my 'best friend', you knew exactly what i meant when i said i couldn't see you anymore because i can't keep my game face on. . but you had to push that & encourage me to be there, and that is why you got clocked in the face by me. I'm not sorry about it. . you're a real prick. So, meet the real me. . i'm mad about things, sad about things, and not very happy at all. . but i have this pressure to be the 'perfect girl' that everyone always thinks I am and put my game face on. I"m tired of it. I see people from school and they always say "you were always so nice and friendly", yeah but did you know what I said when you weren't there? I'm not what you think i am. I don't deserve a lot of things that I have. . and I know it. . I take partial blame for that, but also blame the sycophants that have sucked every bit of life out of me. . you all suck. I rid myself of you all. . and it's saved me. I'm so confused lately and things just keep getting thrown my way and I can't figure out why these things are coming to me. Why am I being constantly tested? I think I must've pissed someone off really bad in another life. So, think i'm a bitch, think i'm nice, i really don't care what you think.. as long as it's the truth. l_l |
Blog #6-from myspace.com (11/18/2005)
Friday, November 18, 2005
| Current mood:  gloomy Not feeling good tonight. i'm restless and tired but can't sleep. yep, the good old sleep aids have been taken but not taking an effect yet. sometimes they don't. . that's called overuse tolerance. :( I've been wrestling with this 'thing' and it comes down to this - who are we? i mean, i can look at anyone i know well and say who they are. . but who am i? in gradeschool i was an athlete; in middle/high school the sick kid; in college the straight A, go getter, sorority chick; after college the career woman; and then the volunteer fanatic. . but now? i don't know. I've been forced to strip down all my items and i've found that it's quite a barren landscape out there.. I guess it's no wonder i relate to animals more than people. . whether it's a dog, cat, or the snakes in my yard. . they all are souls. people hide behind many things and don't show the soul. . if you are at all into Wicca, you'll know that it's quite hard to reach your higher self (the soul) as your younger self plays with you. . but animals don't have that. one look in the eyes and they are who they say they are. . and they *know* who you are. . i think they tell us but we don't listen. One of my favorite Billy Corgan quotes (and hopefully I got this accurate), "belief is not to notice, belief is just some faith, and faith can't help you to escape:" - how more eloquent could that be said? If you strip yourself of what you believe in, i.e. what you do, how you act, how you want to be because of a belief, you'll find that you're fairly naked and there isn't much to this earth but 99 percent of people who are following their beliefs. I think I got stripped of my beliefs and it's a good, but terrifying thing. . it connects you to the Universe but not if you don't know how to use it. What do I want to do? Swim, garden, walk the dog, laugh so hard I pee my pants, go dancing, practice magick, love my family and pets, go to France, play music, etc. etc. . but when I think about doing any of these things, I'm just well, too tired. Am I depressed? I don't know, for I have no reason to be. I have a wonderful husband, great family, cush job, etc. etc. and I'm resonably healthy (some may question my mental health) but something is missing and it's the soul that is the key to figuring it out. I met this guy in college one time who fascinated but scared the shit out of me. . he knew me so well instantly. I remember him saying "you have all of this stuff inside of you and it needs to explode" and I kept saying "i dont' get it" and he said "you'll never be happy until it explodes. . and it will be the scariest and best thing for you ever. ". . okay, kinda freaky but I really still think about that a lot and it's been almost 15 years ago. For you curious readers, I'm not on acid, don't do drugs.. I'm just reflecting. I want to know who I am. . I don't want to hide behind beliefs. . I want to know myself. . but who can tell me that? If you know who you are and why, and it's not based on some socially imposed belief system, let me know. . I want to get there myself. For all of you that I love, I've cast you in a protective circle. It's the best way to use my mind. . I'm a nut case. . maybe I do need to be admitted? Seriously, I think the meds are kicking in. . night. l_l |
Blog #5-from myspace.com (11/17/2005)
Note: Can't get it out of italics . . sorry! ll
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
| Current mood: cynical As you can tell, not a big blogger, but reading through my other 2, i think i must have been out of my mind. So for all my family & friends who have asked how things went 'getting off the meds' here's the true story. By August, i dropped off of my Effexor completely and that is where the downward spiral began. I had crazy emotional reactions, a horrid temper, hallucinations, and lots of physical side effects. I then had a 2 week period of this all over body itch, which i found out it part of the withdrawals. Not that the manufacturer of doctor would tell you this. . but needless to say, Effexor works on the same area of the brain as heroin so there you go. I lost 10 pounds in about 3 weeks. So, after the Effexor left my body I had to take leave from work. . i was too physically sick. But i never rebounded, had a shitty doctor, and finally found a doctor who knew what the heck was going on. I also started having the old OCD/anxiety/panic attack symptoms. SO got back to my original drug of choice and all is well mentally. But my body was so anemic and hypothyroid that he wanted a transfusion of blood and tons of other tests. . not fun. I ended up moving in w/ my parents for about a month cuz i didn't want to have Jason have to take care of me. . too much him. I ran out of funds in October and had to go back to work mid way through the month. I'm still totally wiped out after the day at work and sleep a lot during the day but am feeling better. I'm a lot better on the anemia but not so much on the thyroid. . which, funny, mimics anemia. I just take it day by day. So, am I happy i tried this 'get off the junk' thing? yeah, but it sucked. I've lost touch with so many people and have found that I'm not so comfortable with LA anymore. I'm trying to move and want to for lots of reasons. I guess i want people to know that a/ NEVER TAKE EFFEXOR and b/it's okay to need a medication, just the right one. You have to be your own medical advocate or you just will never get the truth. I'm still having a lot of sleep issues. . yes, we all know I have a dr. prescribed prescription drug problem and sleep aids are my favorites. But i'm trying. . My body seems to want to sleep during the day and not at night. . maybe I really am a vampire? My mood mostly these days is depressed, which could be a problem with my thyroid or just the outcome of this 5 month fiasco. I'm not sure. I am a recluse, that is for sure. If it wasn't for work, you'd not see my face. But I'm never doing much more than sleeping, or listening to my iPod. I guess i know i'm being a really rotten wife. . who wants to live w/ someone like me? I also know I've aged my parents markedly. . and i have to try and put on the 'happy face' for them. Jason knows. . but my parents don't. I am just taking it one day at a time. . I guess I'm still having a lot of trouble with losing my cat, Beanie; and losing my former love, Chris. He died way too young and I'm just haunted by it. To make it worse, he committed suicide. . why? I don't get it. . he was 28 and had all to look forward to. I feel very much like a guilt survivor. . and should've done something. . even though I always hear myself telling his mom that there was nothing we could have done (which is true). . but I miss him. I also feel 'divorced' for lack of a better word. . from my best friend. This person let me down in the worst of ways and at the worst of times. . and then has the audacity to try and be my partial friend? Have news for you - ain't gonna happen. I've declared an AA approach to this person. . go day by day to not see nor talk to them. . and hopefully I'll get to my 1 year, then 2, etc. All i can say to them is this: the rules of the Universe are such that if you cause harm to someone else, you will get that negative energy back times 3. So, i've got news for you pal -- it's coming and it's forceful. I have gotten mine back many times and have tried to learn the lesson not to harm people . . but I guess that is what separates me from you. . I admit to having faults and that I try to not hurt people. I guess good luck to you, you have a lot of *very* important shit going on right now and you're on thin ice. I'd never wish nor pray for you to have something bad happen, but believe me, you won't get away scott free. Wow, am I a witch or what? HA! Big joke. . yes, I am but not like that. I get so pissed when I see how people use the Wiccan religion as a joke or as an evil entity. It's the closest tie to nature. . so anyway. . To all of you who have called, written, etc. . thanks so much. Sean, thank you for the weekend in Phoenix. I had a great time and I love you. You've been my best friend since we were 4. Never will that change. That's me. . let's see if I'm still standing in a month. l_l |
Blog #4-from myspace.com (7/19/2005)
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
| Current mood:  hopeful wow, i read the last blog and it sounds bad. i was in a bad way that day. i've come a long way in the past few months. lots of counseling, lots of letting go of people/things i can't take (my theory: vampires who suck the life force out of you) and lots of getting off of medications. i'm almost off all my medications and am feeling a lot better. . note *feeling* is the key word. . i haven't felt emotions, anything for so long. i've been spending a lot of time reading, trying to reconnect w/ folks that mean something to me, and just get my life in order. . i feel blessed that it's gone so well. i have to say i found a new inspiration to go by. . and that is a young man named Jonny Kennedy. he is no longer of this world, but i highly suggest you google him and see his story. he is truly probably one of my greatest heroes. whenever things seem bad on this end, i play a recorded story about his life and i realize that he has the message and key for how to handle everything this life throws your way. . i never got the chance to meet this incredible person, but i think he knows now how much he impacted this world. i give my sincerest thanks to him. i also sent an email to someone tonight that was long overdue. i feel silly, scared, and just hope that they actually get it. it took me months to write and was emotionally cleansing. must go to bed. . work is impending. . l_l |
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Blog #3-from myspace.com (5/16/2005)
Monday, May 16, 2005
| Current mood:somber maybe something is trying to tell me not to write this blog, as it just deleted my first try. anyway, i just was referring to how much depression sucks and how much i resent being chemically altered by doctors who think they are helping you. i am currently going through withdrawls of a medication i was on for years (Effexor users beware) and it's like detox hell. i certainly do not proclaim to be the only person who has this issue or is the worst off. . in fact, i feel lucky i can still function minimally. . i just am tired of being sick and tired. i have no enthusiasm for life and i have so much to be thankful for. i am desperate to get off of all meds even though i've been medicated for almost a decade. . but am scared when my mental functions will get worse w/o meds. . i know, the whole holistic route, but i truly believe depression/anxiety disorders are really chemically related to the body. . but some doctors take advantage and you are the guinea pig. i don't really expect any help or advice. . just know that if you are in shoes similar to mine, my thoughts are with geniunely with you. l_l |
Blog #2-DBT Gone To Shit
This blog was originally written in October of 2008.
Sorry folks, another blog thread. Trust me that I feel worse than any of you that I am having to find another avenue to vent on. I know that my experience in California seriously saved my life -- I continue to do well and not be in any pain. But as fate always does, it throws you another curve ball. I knew this one was coming but chose to ignore it and hope that my good turn of events of this summer might help it not manifest again but that was just fooling myself.
I have depression. Not just normal depression, profound depression. Now my doctors are saying I have a form of bi-polar that is rare. Bi-polar usually gives the victim periods of extreme, euphoric highs and other periods of very extreme lows. My case does not have the highs but just the very deep, dark, and dank lows. Not sure if I am lucky for that or not. Whatever I have it is what has plagued me for the past 3 years. The first year I was so depressed (and inexperienced in depression) that I didn't know what to think -- so I slept, took meds, and just laid in bed. Now I *know* what's wrong and it's agony. My husband calls me "tormented" and I know he is right. Yes, I am still on the meds and I took the step to call my doctor and tell him I needed to go up on them because I could feel the dark cloud attach itself to my back.
I really believe depression is a demon and that there is no hell, just this life and if you are lucky it's a good ride but if you're not (or don't deserve it) then you find yourself wandering around in a body and in total agony. Any good parapsychologist will tell you that once a demon has fixed it's mind on you, you cannot get rid of it unless you exorcise it. You can move, change your name, change your life and it will follow you, and follow you, and follow you at every turn. That's how this depression is. . no matter what I do I don't feel relief, I don't feel light, I don't feel hopeful. Okay, I take that back for the 15 minutes after I've taken my nightly cocktail of drugs I feel that everything will be okay tomorrow but then I fall asleep and as soon as I wake up, my cloak of depression is back on and buttoned up tight.
Please believe me that I am trying. I am trying so hard. This is such a hard thing for me to deal with. I feel so guilty that all the $$ and time was spent on me to go to California and get physically well to come home and spend 23 hours out of the day in bed. It doesn't really matter if I am physically sick or not, the end result is the same -- I am the lump in the bed that says "fuck you" if you try to rouse me or encourage me. What a disappointment. My parents should've kept their $20K and bought a condo in a warm place, far, far away from me. That would probably have been better spent $$ (although I am grateful that I don't have pain but it doesn't seem fair to them that I am not reclaiming my life like I should).
I am in therapy. In fact, I initiated it. I must really be at my wit's end if I actually took the time to find my own therapist and go. . anyone who knows me knows that I abhor going to therapy. But I am. I found a good one this time -- she's been through the same type of depression I have and she's using a new therapy technique so I can't call it bullshit as I can about every other damn therapy technique that I've done and tried before (and there has been many).
DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I don't know all the in's and out's of it yet but the first phase is Mindfulness and that is just simply spending some time each day taking inventory of your emotions and physical feelings. The other big part of Mindfulness is that you attach real words to these feelings and don't judge them but just acknowledge and define. Sounds easy, right?
So I got back from my visit today and tried doing some of the Mindfulness and I can tell you my biggest enemy/road block is myself. I should be a permanent cast member on the new Christian Slater show "My Own Worst Enemy". I thought I'd share my feelings (both mental and physical) that I've had over the past few hours with you all and you'll get the gist of it -- I really do not like myself.
So here goes. . . .
My feelings of the past few hours (my pessimistic side calls this rumination):
-you're a piece of shit
-what a disappointment you are to your family
-why do you deserve to have friends or family? You give them nothing.
-you've let yourself go, your fat, ugly, and not willing to do anything about it.
-i'm stupid. how can someone this aware not be able to get out of this state?
-i don't deserve this life -- all of my friends work so hard to just have a few minutes with their family and friends and I have 24 hours a day to be free to do anything I want and all I do is waste my time laying in bed. I feel particularly bad about this one as my old friend has to travel a lot for his job and he clearly wants to be home with his "girls" (isn't that the cutest description, or what?) as much as he can -- and here he goes and does what he needs to do, works an honest job, and is still a great father, friend, etc. . and here I am sucking the life out of time and wishing that time would just go by faster. Why can't he have my time since I'm wasting all of it?
-i regret so many things from being young
-i'm so tired. tired of trying. tired of having this heavy thing on my back.
-i'm dead on the outside but the inside is screaming to get out (taken from a Coldplay song but not exactly).
-i'm so close to getting my shit back together but I will ruin it somehow.
-i'm always hot or cold (thyroid), i have to constantly monitor my neck which gets annoying, i'm skipping home treatments for my neck because I'm too fucking lazy -- I *just* got back my physical well being and I blow off the exercises? All I have to do is lay in traction for 15 minutes, 3 times a day -- but I can't do it.
-i can't read books, watch tv, anything -- i'm too agitated.
-how can i be agitated when i'm depressed? they seem the direct opposite of each other.
-i am full of anger -- anger at people who abandoned me, anger at myself for caring.
-i'm tired -- tired of going through this every day. I want to leave. I want to not be here anymore. NO, not suicidal -- but I want to not be in this body anymore.
-i'm sad -- i've lost all of my good traits. I think I used to be a fun, smart, and positive person. I loved with my whole heart and gave anything and any of myself or my time to those who are special to me. Now I'm too tired, too jaded, and don't want to bother because it will never work anyway.
-why does J. stay around? what good am I? i'm the reason he has to sell his Benz while I keep mine and i'm the reason he has to work too much because I no longer contribute.
-i'm a letdown of who I used to be. i think it's fairly safe to say I am not someone you'd want to be friends with now.
FINALLY:
-i am *tormented* -- every minute of my waking time by *these thoughts*. Who wants to get up and live when you have this alter-ego of a mind telling you this shit? You get so tired of exerting your energy that finally you succumb and say "ok, you must be right" and give in.
I think DBT is supposed to validate you and for me it just makes me go "I'm the biggest waste of time -- why bother?" I don't think that is how it's supposed to work but what's new about that w/ me?
As usual, I will end this with lyrics from a song by Billy Corgan. The song is called "Ugly" and I love it -- always have and maybe that was the seed in me that finally grew into this depression.
"Ugly" - Written by Billy Corgan (u know me, red/bold means "ding, ding" those words really resonate with me).
i don't look in the mirror
i don't like what I see staring back at me
everything is clearer
i'll never see what you see
it's not me
so beautiful and free
i'll never be what you need
i can't help it at all
i was born so beautiful
but now I'm ugly
and I rot in my skin
as a piece of me dies everyday
i know I'm nothing
i know there's nothing I can say
to change
the judgement in their ways
i'll never be what you need
i can't help it at all
my love was so beautiful
but now I'm ugly
yeah...
i'm good enough, but I don't care
i'm good enough, but I'm not there
i'm good enough, but I don't care
the sun is out, but I'm not there
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough, but I don't care (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) The sun is out, but I'm not there (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere)
i don't look in the mirror
i don't like what I see staring back at me
everything is clearer
i'll never see what you see
and I rot in my skin
as a piece of me dies everyday
i know I'm nothing
because I'm ugly
l_l
Sorry folks, another blog thread. Trust me that I feel worse than any of you that I am having to find another avenue to vent on. I know that my experience in California seriously saved my life -- I continue to do well and not be in any pain. But as fate always does, it throws you another curve ball. I knew this one was coming but chose to ignore it and hope that my good turn of events of this summer might help it not manifest again but that was just fooling myself.
I have depression. Not just normal depression, profound depression. Now my doctors are saying I have a form of bi-polar that is rare. Bi-polar usually gives the victim periods of extreme, euphoric highs and other periods of very extreme lows. My case does not have the highs but just the very deep, dark, and dank lows. Not sure if I am lucky for that or not. Whatever I have it is what has plagued me for the past 3 years. The first year I was so depressed (and inexperienced in depression) that I didn't know what to think -- so I slept, took meds, and just laid in bed. Now I *know* what's wrong and it's agony. My husband calls me "tormented" and I know he is right. Yes, I am still on the meds and I took the step to call my doctor and tell him I needed to go up on them because I could feel the dark cloud attach itself to my back.
I really believe depression is a demon and that there is no hell, just this life and if you are lucky it's a good ride but if you're not (or don't deserve it) then you find yourself wandering around in a body and in total agony. Any good parapsychologist will tell you that once a demon has fixed it's mind on you, you cannot get rid of it unless you exorcise it. You can move, change your name, change your life and it will follow you, and follow you, and follow you at every turn. That's how this depression is. . no matter what I do I don't feel relief, I don't feel light, I don't feel hopeful. Okay, I take that back for the 15 minutes after I've taken my nightly cocktail of drugs I feel that everything will be okay tomorrow but then I fall asleep and as soon as I wake up, my cloak of depression is back on and buttoned up tight.
Please believe me that I am trying. I am trying so hard. This is such a hard thing for me to deal with. I feel so guilty that all the $$ and time was spent on me to go to California and get physically well to come home and spend 23 hours out of the day in bed. It doesn't really matter if I am physically sick or not, the end result is the same -- I am the lump in the bed that says "fuck you" if you try to rouse me or encourage me. What a disappointment. My parents should've kept their $20K and bought a condo in a warm place, far, far away from me. That would probably have been better spent $$ (although I am grateful that I don't have pain but it doesn't seem fair to them that I am not reclaiming my life like I should).
I am in therapy. In fact, I initiated it. I must really be at my wit's end if I actually took the time to find my own therapist and go. . anyone who knows me knows that I abhor going to therapy. But I am. I found a good one this time -- she's been through the same type of depression I have and she's using a new therapy technique so I can't call it bullshit as I can about every other damn therapy technique that I've done and tried before (and there has been many).
DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I don't know all the in's and out's of it yet but the first phase is Mindfulness and that is just simply spending some time each day taking inventory of your emotions and physical feelings. The other big part of Mindfulness is that you attach real words to these feelings and don't judge them but just acknowledge and define. Sounds easy, right?
So I got back from my visit today and tried doing some of the Mindfulness and I can tell you my biggest enemy/road block is myself. I should be a permanent cast member on the new Christian Slater show "My Own Worst Enemy". I thought I'd share my feelings (both mental and physical) that I've had over the past few hours with you all and you'll get the gist of it -- I really do not like myself.
So here goes. . . .
My feelings of the past few hours (my pessimistic side calls this rumination):
-you're a piece of shit
-what a disappointment you are to your family
-why do you deserve to have friends or family? You give them nothing.
-you've let yourself go, your fat, ugly, and not willing to do anything about it.
-i'm stupid. how can someone this aware not be able to get out of this state?
-i don't deserve this life -- all of my friends work so hard to just have a few minutes with their family and friends and I have 24 hours a day to be free to do anything I want and all I do is waste my time laying in bed. I feel particularly bad about this one as my old friend has to travel a lot for his job and he clearly wants to be home with his "girls" (isn't that the cutest description, or what?) as much as he can -- and here he goes and does what he needs to do, works an honest job, and is still a great father, friend, etc. . and here I am sucking the life out of time and wishing that time would just go by faster. Why can't he have my time since I'm wasting all of it?
-i regret so many things from being young
-i'm so tired. tired of trying. tired of having this heavy thing on my back.
-i'm dead on the outside but the inside is screaming to get out (taken from a Coldplay song but not exactly).
-i'm so close to getting my shit back together but I will ruin it somehow.
-i'm always hot or cold (thyroid), i have to constantly monitor my neck which gets annoying, i'm skipping home treatments for my neck because I'm too fucking lazy -- I *just* got back my physical well being and I blow off the exercises? All I have to do is lay in traction for 15 minutes, 3 times a day -- but I can't do it.
-i can't read books, watch tv, anything -- i'm too agitated.
-how can i be agitated when i'm depressed? they seem the direct opposite of each other.
-i am full of anger -- anger at people who abandoned me, anger at myself for caring.
-i'm tired -- tired of going through this every day. I want to leave. I want to not be here anymore. NO, not suicidal -- but I want to not be in this body anymore.
-i'm sad -- i've lost all of my good traits. I think I used to be a fun, smart, and positive person. I loved with my whole heart and gave anything and any of myself or my time to those who are special to me. Now I'm too tired, too jaded, and don't want to bother because it will never work anyway.
-why does J. stay around? what good am I? i'm the reason he has to sell his Benz while I keep mine and i'm the reason he has to work too much because I no longer contribute.
-i'm a letdown of who I used to be. i think it's fairly safe to say I am not someone you'd want to be friends with now.
FINALLY:
-i am *tormented* -- every minute of my waking time by *these thoughts*. Who wants to get up and live when you have this alter-ego of a mind telling you this shit? You get so tired of exerting your energy that finally you succumb and say "ok, you must be right" and give in.
I think DBT is supposed to validate you and for me it just makes me go "I'm the biggest waste of time -- why bother?" I don't think that is how it's supposed to work but what's new about that w/ me?
As usual, I will end this with lyrics from a song by Billy Corgan. The song is called "Ugly" and I love it -- always have and maybe that was the seed in me that finally grew into this depression.
"Ugly" - Written by Billy Corgan (u know me, red/bold means "ding, ding" those words really resonate with me).
i don't look in the mirror
i don't like what I see staring back at me
everything is clearer
i'll never see what you see
it's not me
so beautiful and free
i'll never be what you need
i can't help it at all
i was born so beautiful
but now I'm ugly
and I rot in my skin
as a piece of me dies everyday
i know I'm nothing
i know there's nothing I can say
to change
the judgement in their ways
i'll never be what you need
i can't help it at all
my love was so beautiful
but now I'm ugly
yeah...
i'm good enough, but I don't care
i'm good enough, but I'm not there
i'm good enough, but I don't care
the sun is out, but I'm not there
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough, but I don't care (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) The sun is out, but I'm not there (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere)
i don't look in the mirror
i don't like what I see staring back at me
everything is clearer
i'll never see what you see
and I rot in my skin
as a piece of me dies everyday
i know I'm nothing
because I'm ugly
l_l
Blog #1-Starting Over
I know it's been a long time since I last wrote. . the world has literally changed so drastically for me. I decided to start a new blog called "Entering the Land of the Living" but first wanted to consolidate all my blogs posted on various sites to just one here on blogger.com. I view each blog to be a chapter in my life and this one is basically one that spans the time before and after "Reclaiming My Life" and mainly focuses on the issue of mental health and depression. It's simply my story, nothing grand or even important, but I need to get it out there for my well being.
I should preface this by saying that it's not a happy read, it's literally the illustration of my mental breakdown. It's angry, sad, mean, and even some of my family could never stomach reading all of it. However, it's the truth and so I don't mind bearing my soul here should it resonate with even 1 person out there.
Once the updates of the "Fog of Depression" are complete, I will start my new chapter mentioned above that will hopefully capture the time from my last blog "Reclaiming My Life" up until present day.
What will follow that? I'm not sure. . but journaling is something I'm required to do as part of my on-going therapy so that is what you'll get. . a blunt look at how I am today and how I got here. I assure you that while many things might be downers it is far more upbeat than my other 2 chapters.
I really hope my past readers will find this site and start following it again. It meant the world to me to have my on line friends advice, criticism, and support.
Here's to catching up and starting over. . not just for myself but for anyone else out there who has gone through the things I have written and will write about.
l_l
I should preface this by saying that it's not a happy read, it's literally the illustration of my mental breakdown. It's angry, sad, mean, and even some of my family could never stomach reading all of it. However, it's the truth and so I don't mind bearing my soul here should it resonate with even 1 person out there.
Once the updates of the "Fog of Depression" are complete, I will start my new chapter mentioned above that will hopefully capture the time from my last blog "Reclaiming My Life" up until present day.
What will follow that? I'm not sure. . but journaling is something I'm required to do as part of my on-going therapy so that is what you'll get. . a blunt look at how I am today and how I got here. I assure you that while many things might be downers it is far more upbeat than my other 2 chapters.
I really hope my past readers will find this site and start following it again. It meant the world to me to have my on line friends advice, criticism, and support.
Here's to catching up and starting over. . not just for myself but for anyone else out there who has gone through the things I have written and will write about.
l_l
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