Blog #21-from myspace.com (1/18/2006)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Silence of the End Current mood: thoughtful Today marked the end of a relationship that has caused so much pain and suffering in my life. It was truly the last straw and one that I think I am okay with. I was told by my former best friend that we shouldn't communicate any longer by email or otherwise, because it caused him "too much anxiety". Wow, that'll make you feel about 2 inches tall in about 2 seconds. I don't usually view myself as a anxiety-producing person, with the exception of to myself. So I started to think about this and I start to see the final illusions of my relationship with this person fall apart. This is a blessing, an ability to let go. . but there is still the pain of rejection from someone you really thought loved you and cared about you. I think of his life and think about all the sources of anxiety that he has and maybe I am the only thing he can let go of without cost. I certainly didn't fight the request, as I would never badger someone who didn't want to hear from me. . but I wonder how much other anxiety he must be under to feel so overloaded. Yeah, his life is changing. . my take is he is in super debt, has a fiancee that doesn't want to talk about a wedding, and a baby due in the summer. I guess the sad part is, I should be a feeling of support, not one of anxiety, but when has our relationship ever been normal? I feel like someone who has gone through a difficult divorce and nasty proceedings to make it final. It's now done and over, which is a huge relief, but you find youself wondering "how did I ever think I cared for this person at all?" or "who is this person?". . . and that is how I feel now. As always, there is this small piece of hope that thinks that maybe he really does care about me deep down inside but puts up this facade because he cannot handle facing the issues to make it right with me. But I realize, that is bullshit and if he cared at all for me, he'd be making an effort. Over the past few years, this knowledge of his lack of caring about me has always been like a knife stuck into me and caused a lot of pain, scarring, and blood loss. However, this time, it was not like that. It was more like a pin prick that hurt for a brief second and then went away. In a way, it's best that he said that, as I will never call him, email him, and if I see him I will act as if I don't know him, and in truth, I really don't anymore. I would never put my energy and love into someone who has absolutely no regard for returning it. A very wise woman gave me a few things to think about when the new year started and I think they are worthy of sharing with you. One, she encouraged me to seek out someone I know, whether I know them well or not, and write them a card or note and give them a small gift and tell them that I appreciate them. At first, I wasn't sure how this would go over, but it's been a really positive thing. I have found that there are people out there who do like me and want my friendship and I have also found that there are people who need that one little reminder that they are special because they are having a hard time themselves. It doesn't mean I want to rack all of these people up as new best friends, but it's nice to put good energy out there and see a smile on someone's face that you put there. The second thing this wise woman told me is to spend at least 15 minutes with one of my pets a day. I guess I already thought I did this, but not really in such a concentrated manner. I have found such feelings of happiness, love, and joy when either grooming one of my cats, or having a play group with 2 or 3 of them together. Animals remind you of what is important - the here and now. They don't worry about yesterday (or even the past hour) and certainly don't worry about tomorrow. . they are just happy to be here for this moment and to share time with them is not only fun, but enlightening. If only we could all learn to live our lives like that. So, since 2006 began, I may have taken 1 step back in the friendship department but I think I've gained at least 2 steps forward by seeking out positive people for myself, and animals, too! Now that I've accepted the end of this friendship, I don't find the silence of his rejection so painful anymore. . it's more of a relief. I know I won't have to agonize over this person or his problems anymore and so the silence is the most welcome sound to my ears.

Blog #20-from myspace.com (1/6/2006)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Fragmented Current mood: scared Today is my first day back at work after the break. I am terribly ashamed to say I barely made it through the day. I am currently in the midst of a horrid panic attack and hope you'll understand my fragmented writing. I'm scared. I can't seem to get better. I am so tired constantly with no real medical reason. Last night I actually got a full night's sleep and at work this morning I was dragging my tail between my legs just to get through the first few hours - hours when I am normally most alert. I'm tired. Tired of being tired and always sleepy. Tired of not being able to do anything. Tired of not being normal enough to just get out of bed, go to work, get it over with and come home. I guess this shouldn't surprise me when during our break I could barely make it outside for fun things. I spent my 35th birthday in my PJs that had been worn for 3 days. I'm worried. I don't know why work has become such a point of apprehension to me. I can't seem to sit still when I'm there and when I'm not there, I'm worried I'm in trouble. I get my job done but I'm getting to the point where I feel I need to do something else. . but what? In this town, you either work for the "organization" or you don't work. . it's such a 1 industry town. I'm shaking. I don't feel comfort in any of the things that normally comfort me. My cats, my bedroom, my bed, the sounds of my house as it's quiet during the afternoon. . I feel like I should be somewhere else but I don't know where that is. I've had enough. I don't know what to do from here. I've done all the things you are supposed to do. I am eating well, taking medications, my bloodwork has been checked over and over, I'm going to work, I'm trying to sleep well. . and none of it makes any difference. I want to roll over and die. I'm that tired of it. Only, I really want to live, but not like this. What is my purpose here? Surely it's not to be a burden to the 3 people I love so much. It can't be to be a slave to this organization and not be able to even make a go of it. For those who know me, where did my direction and enthusiasm go? My mom says that maybe my purpose here is for another person, but how can I help or be that source for them if I can't even get myself together? I know this is scattered. . that's how panic attacks are. You feel like you are about to die and you're body and mind feel that way too. Does anyone out there know how this is? Does anyone have a good ending? Can anyone tell me how to keep it together until I can get out of this state? If so, please tell me about it.

Blog #19-from myspace.com (12/31/2005)

Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Year's Revelations Current mood: optimistic I know, most people have New Year's resolutions, but they don't really work for me. Not to say I don't believe in them, as I've seen many folks stick to them, but for me, it's not that way. Thus, I've decided that I want to start 2006 by looking back at 2005 and seeing what revelations I might find. Whether this means change or not, is really dependent on what I find. First, over 2005 I've realized that I need to let things go. Specifically, trying to get the friendships and attention of those who don't give a rat's ass about me. Truly, I don't aspire to have everyone in this world like me. I know I have many traits that push people back, but I do have some very, very loyal and true friends and have found that the new ones I have pursued do not live up to my expectations. This may be partly my fault & partly theirs but in the end fault doesn't matter, does it? The outcome is the same. I have just decided that I don't want to waste any more time on those who could care less about me (hey Brad, are you relieved? it's been 3 years of actions and words from you telling me that exact thing and guess what--I finally got it). I'm not even mad about it anymore. Being mad gives it importance and I think that it's far more important to find new people who are truly interested in me than to keep busting my ass trying to fit into this circle of friends who never accepted me anything other than as J's wife. So, number one revelation -- let it go with all of them and search for those worth the time. What's the second? Well, another thing this year is that I learned the big lesson about not taking care of myself. I have never been sicker (except for when I was a child) as I was this year and 80 percent of it was my own fault. I ate crappy, kept bad habits, had a bad attitude, and took a lot of extra medications that I did *not* need. Just for the record, my psychiatrist is responsible for the other 20 percent, as she is the one who prescribed my un-needed medications that were hell to get off. So, revelation number two -- take care of myself, even if it seems as if that is all I can do for that day. For people with depression, it is sometimes the only thing you can do, but I am seriously going to try. I am going to try and eat better, sleep better, quit being a recluse, and be normal. I know for an absolute fact, I will have bad days and fall down, but I am going to try to keep on going. Who am I doing this for? Me, myself, and I. For once, it's all about me. Revelation number three -- there are just certain facts of life you can't change and you have to either move on or adjust. I guess I mean this in terms of this town and my job. But, I think everyone has had just about enough of the whining about my hatred for the job and this town. So, I either need to do something about it or shut up. It's that simple. I've seriously been looking into moving to Las Cruces and I love it there very much but then something deep inside me says to stay. So, for now, I'm not sure which path I will follow, but it will either be that I find a way to like my job or at least tolerate it; or I will take the big plunge and try Las Cruces. The last revelation, number four -- I have a great family. Yep, my family rocks. J, the katz, Rusty, my parents. . they have kept hanging on through this year with me when I've been most unpleasant, sick as a dog, out of my head, and just plain ugly to be around. They have saved me and I owe it to them,as much as myself, to get my act together. For you New Year's revelers, have a geat time out there and be safe. I, for one, will miss the big hour, as I am going to go to bed early and get my rest. Tomorrow is 2006 and I have a lot of things I need to start to work on.

Blog #18-from myspace.com (12/30/2005)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Untitled Current mood: calm Okay, I said I'd write about the main things that were bothering me and this is the last one. Unfortunately, at this time, the writer has a mental block. It's too painful and not worth my grief. Someday, I will try to write something cohesive and meaningful, but if I can't explain it to myself, then how can I explain it to you? If you've read my blogs, you'll see that it's an issue that has ended badly and I don't really see any recourse or fix for the situation. Just know this - I loved that person very much and was betrayed in some of the worst ways possible. I don't think that they deserve my words because they aren't listening anyway. Also know - I learned that people like that come along maybe only once or twice in your entire life and if it goes well, it's awesome but if not, it's miserable. . so when you find yourself in my position; evaluate it carefully. This is untitled because I really cannot think of anything appropriate, I'm not sure there is a word in any human language that could describe it.

Blog #17 -from myspace.com (12/30/2005)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Soul Mates Current mood: melancholy Most people in this world refer to a soulmate as being the "perfect" person that they are "meant" for in life. I find this a big load of crap. No offense, but honestly, do you really think that there is just *one* person out there for you in this world? And if so, did you think the chances of meeting this person might be a bit slim? So, are you settling for someone else? And if so, what happens if the real thing comes along? Do you magically say "you're the one I've been waiting for all my life" and then you run away to Canada with this person? What about your life that you crafted with other people? Are they just left behind? See, that theory has some major holes. I do believe that a person has a soulmate (now I know this sounds very hypocritical, but hear me out) but I'm not of the belief that a/it has to be a romantic connection and b/it doesn't have to be another human being. I said I'd write about the things bothering me so this is blog 2 of 3 on the subjects. I believe my soulmate is a feline soul and I have had the chance to know this soul in this life 2 times. The first time was back in the summer of '91 and my then-boyfriend gave me a little kitten from his aunt who bred Siamese cats. . wedgies to be specific (this matters if you know Siamese cats). I remember specifically picking up this little soul and driving downtown in Las Cruces, NM with it being about 100 degrees and having this little soul howl his little lungs out the entire way home. He was a little runt and looked like a rat, his points had not grown in yet, so he was almost completely cream colored. I was hooked in the heart within the first 5 minutes. At the time, I was really into the Violent Femmes and named him Femme. I feel bad about this, as he was a boy, but all the same, he was a really smart cat. I would say "Femme, get your belt" and I'd see him get up, hear the squeak of my cheap apartment closet door opening, hear the banging of the wire hangers in the closet, and finally hear the padding of his little feet as he'd lay the belt down by me. We'd play for hours with that thing. Femme was also my roommate, in addition to my other cat--Murphy Brown. Femme slept with me every night. Same routine -- he'd paw at the covers, get inside, and lay right up next to my stomach and put his paw in my hand. I loved that cat more than I'd ever loved anything in my life and I was very surprised at how much I could love this little creature. I know this sounds crazy but we'd talk to one another and I'd actually hear what he had to say back. I know it wasn't self-speak, as I wouldn't say some of those things. Then, suddenly, when he was three he died. He had an anaphylactic (sp?) seizure at the vet. It was a freak accident. I was devastated. My best friend had died and I literally was wrapped in grief about him for years. At that point, I'm not sure I realized that he was my soulmate or the lesson he was trying to teach me. In the early spring of 1995, I got in touch with a breeder who had a litter of Siamese wedgies. I wanted a boy and she only had girls, so I wasn't too sure about it. However, she sent me a photo of the 3 available and I knew the *second* I saw her that she was the one. It wasn't until later that I'd realize she was also the same soul of my beloved Femme. My mom and I drove to meet the woman half-way and ended up in Vaughn, NM. For anyone who has ever been to Vaughn, not much there. We waited at a cafe and I was as nervous as a new parent ready to adopt a baby. Suddenly, a big Cadillac blew up into the parking lot and the breeder got out. We made the usual pleasantries and then she told me to go get my girl. I opened the passenger side door and couldn't figure out where the cat was. . she was so tiny (fit into the palm of your hand) and she also didn't have her points yet, so she blended into the cream colored interior. I picked that baby up and she immediately started crying. My mom held her all the way home and that baby cried the entire way. She looked a bit like a fruit bat, with those big dark eyes and ears too big for her body. That night, she paced the house, looking for her siblings and mommy. I felt so bad for her. Finally she resided under my bed. So, I wedged myself under as far as I could and reached out and held her palm/paw. We slept that way the first night. Imagine my amazement when the next day, she was this confident, in-your-face kitten and started sleeping with me exactly like Femme had done. Princess Beanie had just stolen my heart again. We had eight wonderful years together. She often weeded out my boyfriends by showing her distaste of them at night. She'd crawl in the bed and bite their privates. . only if they weren't suitable. She finally accepted Jason so I knew he was the real deal. It pains me to tell this part, but we went camping over labor day in 2003 and when we came home we found her dead from a very freak accident. So freak, I think that she did it on purpose. I could tell you all the details and the reasons why I believe it was self-inflicted, but you'll either believe me or not. I can't tell you how much I suffered. I don't remember the rest of that day. My parents and Jason say I screamed "no" for a few hours. I'm still not over it, but I have figured a few things out. Her departure marked a big change in where my life was going. In a way, she moved me to where I needed to be spiritually. She also got me to start thinking that she was the same soul as my Femme and that she wasn't coming back again until I figured it out. So, what was the big lesson? I *think* it's that I can't control life. I can't safeguard her or anyone else to try and make sure they are going to be with me for their entire life. I can't hold onto them so tightly. I have to be able to deal with life even if I am the only one left. The other part of the lesson is that she's not really gone, just out of my reach. If I try hard enough with meditation I can feel her and see where she is, but I know she's not ready to come back yet, so I know I haven't mastered either parts of the lesson yet. Was it worth loving both of these cats, who are the same being, for all the sadness? My answer HELL YES. I have never loved so openly, so forgivingly, and so deeply. So, you can think I'm a nut-case but I know that she is my soulmate and whether she's in a male or female body, it doesn't matter. In fact, if I had enough self-awareness and practice, I could see her even w/o her body. I'm working on it. . but I know w/o a doubt that there is an afterlife and she is clearly there giving me signs now and then. Clear signs that refute any doubt that it's her. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on those who believe soulmates are people and that it all works so magically, but I think that your soulmate is the one who walks with you through the hard times and is often the one who hits you with the tough issues for your soul's benefit, even if it does hurt. I love you miss Bean. . I can't wait to see you either in Summerland or this side. I'll do my best to master my lessons. You are reason enough alone to try hard. In fact, you're the best reason. I love you.

Blog #16-from myspace.com (12/30/2005)

Friday, December 30, 2005

CNC Current mood: indescribable Halloween party in October of 1995. Newly single and ready to party, I attend this soiree with great expectations and I am not disappointed. Struggling through the crowd with a costume and a beer, I see him from across the room immediately. Intense eyes, looking directly into you; a smile that lights up this person to their fullest; full lips that have the look of someone who's been outside in the snow; and that hair. . messy, long, light brown that I could run my hands through it over and over again. Hours pass and soon I am engaged in deep conversation with this person. I am shocked to learn he is only 19 while I am the wise, old 23. But, I know with this person that age isn't a factor, he far outweighs my maturity. We talked about everything and a bond was established. Not a friend bond, but a bond that goes beyond those realms. The party started to end and we both seemed astonished that so many hours had gone by. Over the next several weeks, turning into months, we were inseparable. I could not stand to be away from him for too long and the passion I felt was equally shared on his end. We had many dissenters. . I was too old, he was too young, what could we possibly have in common. . but we did have the core thing in common - the thing that keeps people together - a bond of love. As the holidays approached my fears grew. He would be leaving our town to return to school for a semester. I had my share of long distance relationships and was scared this would turn out like all of the others. The "wise" 23 year old did the absolute, most careless thing. I pushed him away, I stopped taking his calls, and he went away hurt, hating me, and feeling as if I was not the person he had been in love with. I also hurt immensely but felt I had no right to feel this way. Looking back, a simple talk would have given us the year back that we lost over this, but I didn't know how and wasn't nearly as wise and adult as I had thought. The following year, I trudged along with life, feeling empty and sad. Again, as the holidays grew close, I felt this strong urge to contact him and try and explain. I agonized over an email and sent it to his school address and was astonished to see he was back in town for 9 months. To say we just got back together would be an insult to his pride. He very cautiously took the time to get to know me again. We had many 'dates' where we were strangers, like we had never met before. I also remember many nights being so sick to know that I might have lost this precious soul forever. After a few months of this, and a lot of talking, we fell into a routine of friends. Disappointed, was I, but glad to have any form of friendship with him. Then, a few weeks before Easter, he had to leave for a week. When I left his house that night, we hugged but the Universal winds had changed. I could feel it and so could he. What started as a hug grew into so much more and we were probably the closest we'd ever been that night, both emotionally and physically. It's a night that will never fade in my mind. That spring we spent much time cooking (or attempting to), sleeping on his roof to see the stars at night, listening to him play his guitar and sing, and I was lulled into this love affair. However, by June, I could again feel the winds of the Universe were about to change again and while I understand now the reason for it, I certainly didn't then. By June we both thought it'd be best to date others and shortly thereafter I met the man I would end up marrying. However, we kept in touch daily, doing things together, and there was never a moment of animosity. Time than sped up. . he moved back to school to finish his PhD and I got married, bought a house, and was wrapped up in domestic bliss. However, no matter where I was, he was always looking out for me. Our town had a horrible wildfire in 2000 and we were out of our home for 2 weeks. . within 5 minutes of phone service being restored, it rang, and it was him - makingn sure we were okay. In summer of 2003, he had finished his PhD and found a dream job in England. I was so very proud of this person. I loved him in a way you can't explain unless you've shared very special moments. I don't remember the last time we spoke, but it was close to his departure in July. From all accounts, his life there was flourishing. He had a wonderful job, was in a band, and played soccer. He had tons of friends and I'm sure he had his share of lady friends, too. Then, as we all dread, I got the phone call that changed my life. His mother, a strong, dear person, called me because I was the one person who truly knew him out here. She told me a very sad story. One that I will never totally understand, but suffice it to say, he suffered an acute on-set of schizophrenia and had killed himself in the most public place and in the most violent way. I could not even make his funeral, as my grandfather was buried that same day. There was no note, no sign, no warning. To this day, I do not, I *will* not believe he killed himself. I believe something insidious was inside his mind and it forced actions out of him that he could not control. My heart is broken and part of my soul is gone. I now understand why our love ended so easily and amicably that summer of 1997. The Universal One, the Creator of this World, knew what fate we both we face and knew that I could not emotionally deal with it had we continued on in our blissful relationship. Thus, I moved on to someone I love with all my heart and so what was best for both of us was decided right then. However long it had been since we had been together, I loved him all the same. I ache to hear his voice, to read his sarcastic writings, to hear him play guitar, and to have his arms around me. I also feel so angry because he was cheated. Cheated out of so many things to come in his life. But, in more quiet times, I realize that maybe he wasn't cheated but has moved onto something far more important than those things on this earthly plane. I also have survivor's guilt. . why couldn't I be the one who saved him? I'm actually writing a song about that. He was my angel who saved me so why couldn't I save him back? I'll never have all the answers and will never be okay with his parting from the earthly realm. But, I am trying to live my life each day in peace and remember him for who he was and all that he taught me. If I could say anything to him, I think it would be that I loved him so much and that I hope it pervades the different realms of spirits; that I don't understand why he is gone but if that is what he wanted then I am okay with it; and finally, to please never lose sight of me for I truly believe we will meet again and under different circumstances. I believe Billy Corgan wrote a lyric for the song Muzzle that says "All things surely have to end. Great loves always have to part". . so maybe this is the time for us to be apart. However, I pray every night that I will have him in my life again, whether here or on another plane. He was someone you've liked to know.

Blog #15-from myspace.com (12/30/2005)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Silent Night Current mood: exhausted We're finally past the Christmas/Holiday madness and I am one who is relieved. I really have never liked the holidays, even as a kid. Kinda funny that way. I tried to go to bed early, but not even my new, super-duper, this-will-knock-a horse-on -its-ass dr. prescribed pills seem to help. Good news on the health front - non longer anemic nor hypothyroid, but the bad news is my depression must stem from many emotional things, which I believe are harder to solve than a physical ailment. Thus, I have decided to post the next few blogs about things that I am having a really hard time with and I hope you'll be sympathetic to the fact that I am not a good writer. I'm just telling you how I feel. With that, buenos noches. . .