Blog #14-from myspace.com (12/20/2005)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Broken Current mood: sad I am alive, although my body thinks otherwise. Energy is something it seems to never have known, or at least nothing it recognizes as familiar now. Sustenance of the body is of no importance, for it has no reason to be refueled. Sleep comes and goes, but is my best friend, as it allows me to escape into a place where there is no pain and no boundaries. Despite all my efforts to stay out of the land of the living, my body pushes on in the everlasting battle. I'd like to think that part of my soul is still trying to live. What has brought me to such a place? Too many traumas in such a quick time. I am ashamed when I see my reaction to these traumas. Certainly others in life have faced far more adversity and kept on going simply because they had the inner-strength. I believe that my soul has been broken and parts of it are missing and scattered, much like a broken vase when it hits a hardwood floor. Where are these missing pieces? That is one question I do know the answer to. Pieces were given away as precious gifts to a person who accepted them freely. However, when it no longer became convenient for him to have these gifts, he merely forgot about them and they linger, scattered somewhere apart from my core. Not only did he lack the courage to admit how he really felt, he also lacked the courtesy of releasing the part of me that he held so close. I believe to this day that he holds the pieces of my soul hostage because he isn't safe without them and he knows this, deep down inside. Selfish, but at least human. Pieces were taken, and freely given, by Princess Beanie. Only she knows the true meaning of why such awful things happened, but I suspect that there is a much deeper lesson than the ones I have tried to come up with. For her, I don't want my broken pieces back, as I feel that she still nutures and loves them and at some point they will be reclaimed when we meet again. The other scattered and broken pieces were taken when my friend, my lover--Chris--took his own life in such a violent manner. Death is a part of life, but how can suicide ever be something you can accept when the person was a healthy 28 year old with so much to live for? I am unsure how to get the pieces of my soul back from him, as I truly do not know where he roams. Part of my soul was given to him in a way only someone in love can give, but the rest was taken by such a deep and horrific loss. Shamanic healers are known to be ones who can find and pick up the pieces of your soul and paste them back together. In a complicated ritual, they go to the lower and upper worlds on the astral plane and work to find the shards of their patient's missing souls. These gifted healers then return to the earthly plane and physically blow the pieces of the missing soul back into their patient's body. I have yet to find such a healer, even though I live in a place where there are many close by. Possibly I am scared of being whole again? Possibly I am unsure how to live in this world and be happy? Have I veered off course so much that I can no longer understand that pain is a part of this life? That without pain I am incapable of ever knowing happiness? The sad lesson I've learned is jaded and depressing. Which is -- be guarded, choose whom you love carefully, and certainly do not give any part of your soul to anyone -- all of this could cause you to be in the state where I am at. What a horrible and disrespectful view of this beautiful earthly life. To never let yourself love or give yourself away is not living, it's simply getting by. Am I sorry or regretful for the missing pieces of my soul? Certainly not in the cases of Princess Bean and my beautiful Chris. But beware of those who are not all they claim to be. My compromise? Caution and many walls. If the spirit is worthy of part of your soul, they will continue to love you until all your walls are broken down and then you will know that they are worthy of part of your soul, and you in part, are worthy of a piece of theirs. It's extremely sad that we must live our lives in this state of compromise. It would be such a better world if we knew that spirits were exactly how they appeared to us, not colored by our feelings for them. But this world is not fair and to live as I am living is no way to be. Thus, compromise and when you find those worthy, love them as much as you are able and for as long as you can and maybe then it is worth the pain of hearing your soul shatter as it breaks.

Blog #13-from myspace (12/12/2005)

Monday, December 12, 2005

Insomnia Sucks Current mood: tired Any chronic insomniacs out there? If so, and you're not peacefully in dreamland, my condolences. I have had insomnia since the early 90's and it's getting to the point where it's starting to be a real problem. I wonder if there is such a thing as Sleepers Anonymous? I know why I am an insomniac, I use sleep much the same way as a drug addict uses drugs. . to escape reality. If the sun's up, I can sleep but when it's dark, forget it. I've tried everything. . sleep labs, sleep rules, etc. etc. and I always end up falling back down into the bad sleep patterns. Also, when something goes wrong in my day or I am emotionally upset, what do I do? sleep, sleep, and sleep some more. That's the truest form of denial, folks. To be truthful, I am also fairly (ok, straight up) addicted to dr. prescribed sleeping pills. Ambien is my choice and for years 5 mg would knock my socks off. . but now, I can take up to 25 mg and will be awake for hours after that. So, I have branched out into augmenting that with Benadryl, Nyquil, etc. . Every day I get up and say "I'm not going to sleep at all during the day today" and more times than not, I end up napping. Obviously, no sleep that night when that happens. I've tried just sucking it up and not taking a pill and I'm still awake when my alarm goes off in the AM. It's hard enough to be cheery in the AM hours, but worse when you're brain dead from lack of sleep. Plus, my job does require me to be a bit mentally with it (i'm a programmer) so it's another thing that needs a good night's sleep to work well. I wonder if there are re-hab places for bad sleepers like me. . who don't let you sleep during the day (do they slap you with a stick or give you an electric shock when you start heading off to dreamland) but establish good sleeping habits?? Probably not. I guess the difference between myself and an addict is that I do need sleep at some level, just not in the manner I have been using as of late. Did you know there is a greek God, Hypnos, who supposedly would put his people to sleep by either tapping their eyes 3 times with his finger tips or by fanning his dark wings against their faces. He had 3 sons (I can only remember one's name - Morpheus) and they were responsible for taking you into dreamland, thus freeing your soul for astral travel elsewhere. For all of you out there w/ insomnia, I wrap you in energy full of sweet dreams and restorative sleep. As for me, let's just say, I chant many a prayer to Hypnos... :)

Blog #12- myspace.com (12/12/2005)

Monday, December 12, 2005

Snowflakes & Sadness Current mood: tired Ever notice how beautiful, yet sad, a snowflake can be? Each delicate one is so uniquely made from the stars and heavens above only to fall slowly to the ground where it immediately dies and melts away. This year I have often felt like a snowflake. . not in the aspect of its beauty, but because I know I am one of those unique entities sent from the heavens to fall down to this earth. Yes, I should be less fragile, but the point is, I'm not - I melt away every time I touch down. I carry a deep sadness within me that causes my falls from the skies to be fatal. I try and stop the inevitable crash to the ground but I can't seem to figure out what keeps the other snowflakes around me to be able to stick to a tree, an icicle, or anything to stay alive for one more precious moment. Why am I sad? I don't know. I just feel empty. I have everything to be joyful for - a man in my life who exceeds my dreams, a close-knit set of friends, means that are enough to be comfortable & warm, a great family, and my beautiful, soul-bearing cats and dog who are one of the few things that make me smile. I am sitting here today in my warm house, with the silence that falls in the afternoon, where the cats have all curled up to take another dreamy adventure. I have a Christmas tree up and in the darkened room, it glows and looks like jewels or stars twinklingn from the sky. My point? I am at home. I should be at work and again, for the millionth time, I just could not face the day. My job is fine, it's not that, it's the simple acts that stymie my ability to join the world of the living - like getting dressed, brushing my teeth, and actually putting my coat on to go outside. Am I depressed? Obviously it looks that way, and yes, on medications I am. But they don't lift the heavy veil that hangs over my eyes and makes me unable to function. After a day like this, I always try, try, try to be better and shake myself out of this but I've fallen into an old well and each time I get out, it's a struggle and takes a part of me that I can't get back. . so when I fall back into the well, as I did today, I am angry with myself and also helpless. I believe in a U2 song it talks about peace and says something like "Will we ever live in peace? For those who can't do, often have to and those who can do, often have to preach." I feel quite disgusted w/ myself for being in the latter category - I have all the benefits of a peaceful life while so many are living in horrible times and horrid conditions and I'm the one who can't be at peace? I've been given the gift of freedom, free will and I throw it away by staying in my bed all day, looking at the ceiling. I certainly don't deserve the peace that so many others are worthy of and find out of sheer need. My admiration of these people is great and my disgust of myself even greater. My promise? To keep trying. To keep crawling up out of the well and try to avoid falling back in. . but how many chances do I get? I think I've used my fair share. .

Blog #11- myspace.com (12/6/2005)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Ride On Motherfucker Current mood: cold okay, so i can't take credit for the title, but thank you to the ever-brilliant, Billy Corgan for that lyric from the song, Slunk. it's so perfect. . i mean, 3 words get my entire point across. One, you are a real motherfucker and deep down inside, i think you know this. Two, ride on just has so many good connotations - in other words, leave me alone; don't try and be anywhere near me; forget that you ever had my respect on any level. do i sound angry? gee, i wonder why. a few words: courtesy, isolation, remorse, and karma. hmm. . courtesy - i guess promises you make don't mean much as in the "i'll tell ya before anyone else knows" bullshit. . and to make it even worse, you had the chance to just confirm what i already asked you, but instead you denied it. isolation - now this is self imposed, i admit, but it sure seems like i get the absolute short end of the stick here. i can't go to hardly any group friend event because you'll be there and you make me sick and upset any time i see or talk to you. . so a night alone on the couch far outweighs the consequences of seeing you. still, mighty unfair. . your audacity to think it's perfectly okay for us to co-exist disgusts me. onto remorse - or rather, lack thereof. . you have absolutely no feelings of sadness, guilt, responsibility, etc. . in terms of how we ended up and i definitely am the one who has suffered. and the last, great one - karma. oops, better look that one up, not sure you know what that means. according to good old Webster, karma is defined as "the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence". However, you don't have to be a Hindu or Buddist to believe in it. . and as i know it to be true, you should really be worried. now, for the simple minded person, i can see how you would brush this off, snicker, say you don't take fault or believe in 'karma shit' and that i am 'off my rocker, lady'. . and i understand that you can't get the real ramifications of the situation. you are what i call a blinder, a person who draws the line in the sands of the past and doesn't look back past that line. when things get complicated or tricky, you just mix up your life's variables and move on. forget the casualties. i also know you'd like to call me crazy, or off-balance, but honestly, i am fully aware and in control of my destiny. i have decided to clean up my moral act: no more lying, doing an honest day's work, trying to be kind to all those around me, and most importantly, being honest about how i feel. i am the opposite of you. i wear my emotions proudly on my sleeve. . every drop of blood i lose is going to be noticed by those who are around me. . and if you choose to put on your blinders to the bloodletting you've caused, then fine. as Hermes said (yeah, you might want to look him up, not sure you're academically or spiritually there) "as above, so is below" - which means all actions here do have an effect on the Universe and any good act begets good energy back to you, whereas any bad act begets bad energy. you're have big changes coming up and soon you will not only be responsible for your own self, but for 2 others. the time will come where you cannot draw a line in the sand, or mix up your life's variables to suit your needs. in other words, you're not going to be able to duck out of the party once it stops being fun. doing so will make you a deadbeat dad and husband. i don't wish you ill will, but i do thank the AA approach for letting me get over all the grief about you. the 'take one day at a time' motto works well for me. . each day i can go w/o talking or seeing you is another day that i realize how much better off i am w/o you in my life and that you really are the motherfucker i mentioned above. yeah, you'll blow this off, but deep down inside, i am sure you know what the real truth is. it's your blinders and self-denial that help you sleep at night. and sleep well, i'm sure. maybe that's why i am an insomniac, i think about the things bothering me and look for a way to address them. that is called being in tune w/ yourself and being real. you are about the farthest from real than anyone i have ever met. so ride on motherfucker!

Blog #10-from myspace.com (12/1/2005)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Another True Angel Found Current mood: loved How is it that souls who know each other deeply find one another when in need? I find it amazing to those who don't believe in some sort of Universal order that these are coincidences. Just yesterday, I wrote about my true angels and missed one. Today he called and I realized just how much I needed to hear his angelic voice. In sharing our stories of life as it is now, we reached the common bond that only souls truly connected can make. I was sad, happy, reflective, and laughing - all good things to feel in connection to this angel of mine. It confirms my belief that the Universe is in motion and none of this is chance. The only thing you have to do is take off your blinders and find the true angels from the imposters. Hang in the KWP. . I love you to pieces and it will get better.

Blog #9 -from myspace (12/01/2005)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Closet Current mood: satisfied I think I've been stuck in a closet. Not in the way you normally think. I've been put in a dark closet and am wrapped in a blanket of false notions that the person owning the closet has given me. I am told by the owner that I am a precious piece of cargo, something so special it must be saved and kept safe. It also must never be shown to others, as it's so very precious. The cloak I am wearing meets all my needs and I am oblivious of the true world that is out there. Then one day, I realize there is a long chain hanging from the ceiling and as I reach to touch it, the cloak falls off and so do all my false securities that the person has given me. Before having the chance to fully understand, I grab the chain, pull, and the darkened room is now illuminated. I see that it's actually an empty, cold closet. Full of dust and memories that never truly existed. I find the doornob and emerge naked to the real world. Blinking my eyes in the bright sunlight, I see that there are other closets and that my protector, the one I so believed in, has many other precious hearts locked away, too. I realize this is all make believe and nothing I knew as truth in my world is real. Before I know what I am doing, I am opening all the closets and pushing each of these closeted souls into the light of the Universe. The sadness I see from the empty souls fuels my anger. How dare this person think they could possibly keep such precious beings all to themselves? How dare they lock us away to only give to us when it was convenient to them? How dare they choose what we believe? How dare they take away our free will. I usher the souls out into the sunlight, harsh as it may be, it's full of the truth. They will be sunburnt but by the real sun, they will be dirty but by the real earth, they will be sad but it will be their own emotions. As for the owner, I hope you wander into one of your closets in an act of desperation and the door locks behind you. One truth I promise my captor is that I will never be there to open the closet door for you.

Blog #8-from myspace.com (11/30/2005)

Wednesday Novmber 30, 2005
Funny
Current mood: apathetic

Funny how someone tricks the mind to believe what they want to believe in - despite the obvious. Some might say that it makes you a fool to do this, but doesn't everyone do this in their own way?

I guess for me, it's nice to understand that my mind is tricking me right off the bat. There is no substitute for what I am missing and upset about. . and those who appear to me suddenly as angels have their wings torn and tattered, or are not wearing them at all.

I'm just glad to have had an experience so painful that my inner radar overrides my mental desire to want to believe something/someone who isn't who they say they are. Sure, you get disappointed at first but then you smile, shake your head, and say "i should've known" and then you also realize that it never was comparable to the real thing.

Maybe I should give thanks to these angels. Maybe they have given me the gift of narcissism or cynicism and I should give praise.

Whatever gift I give them, it certainly won't be as great as the gift they will get back, free of charge, for not being true. That is the best present I can ask for them to get.

To those true angels, and you know who you are (jhc, skb, mlw, prp, dwwp, and db) i thank you and wrap you up in the energy of the universe. You may not believe but you will be taken care of.

For the others - I'm no fool. I may act naive, but when you come to think about it, maybe I'm playing you? My angel wings might be tattered or missing but then again, it may not be worth the Universal payback.

Just know that I know the truth.

l_l