Blog #25-from myspace.com (2/92006)

Thursday, February 09, 2006

A Birthday Wish - 02/11/1976 Current mood: sad Happy Birthday, Chris. If you were here you'd be 30. I can't believe you're gone. I've been thinking a lot about those who leave us prematurely in life lately and of course, my thoughts come to you. Remember us this time of the year? Early spring? Today was much like the days when we were together. It held the promise of the earth and trees waking up, a promise of life to come, and the air was pregnant with the smell of fresh beginnings. Do you remember what we used to say to each other? That we were stuck together with God's glue? That was so funny to both of us, especially since you were an atheist and I was agnostic. I can tell you this, I've looked into the sun since you've left and I've not been afraid of what I might see, how could I possibly be when the worst thing has already happened? Did you look into the sun? Did you see something that made you so afraid that you had to leave this life by your own hand? I want to be happy and grateful for your birthday. Grateful I surely am, you loved me and saved me from one of the most miserable parts of my life. But happy? How can I be happy when I realize that it's been almost 2 years since you left? I didn't think I was angry with you, but I am. Why? What was so horrible? Why didn't you ask me for help? Did you know that you were going to do this? My anger should be tempered, as I believe that you were sick and didn't know reality from nightmare and you tried to free yourself. However, I'm mad at the malfunction of your brain, I'm mad that such a thing can happen so quickly and not be noticed by those around you, I'm mad at your friends who knew something was wrong but didn't take you to a hospital. Then again, how can I be mad at them when I failed you as well? I know I failed you many times and the last time was surely the worst. Even though I was 2000 miles away, I still was there. You'll never know how many times I've cried and punched my fist into my pillow because I didn't email or call you. I figured I would soon, but I got distracted with my life and waited. That is a mistake I will never make again. I am haunted by you. I cannot find peace in this life because I have no answers for where you have gone or how you are. I miss you so very much always, but especially this time of year. How often did we lay on your roof watching the stars and planning our futures? How could we not see this coming? This is not what you had planned. How did we get so derailed? You never really did belong to me. . how true those words are now. Funny how a song we loved so much at the time could be such a predictor for the future. It plays over and over in my head, even when I am not listening to it. So, happy birthday my Chris. I'll never understand this. . and I'll never stop missing you. I will try to honor you by loving those around me as much as I can and never stay out of touch with those important to me. But, that will never be enough because nothing will ever bring you back. Not to me or to all the other people who never had the chance to meet this fantastic person. Knowing you as I did, I feel so burdened by that. . if I could have done something to help you, I swear I would have -- those people deserved to meet you, know you, and love you. Chris, you missed out on so many things by leaving early - I wanted to go to your wedding, I wanted to see your name in medical journals, I wanted to see your kids, I wanted to know you when we were old--I just wanted to see you again, if even for just one last time. Forgive me for sounding angry at you. I truly believe you did not know what you were doing but I am angry at the unfairness of it all. Mostly, I am sad that we weren't as nearly glued together as we thought we were because if that had been true, I would have never let this happen to you. Forgive me and happy birthday, my sweet Chris.

Blog #24-from myspace.com (2/7/2006)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Dysorganized Current mood: numb Wow, for my entire life I have been told I'm very organized, very detail-oriented, in other words - obsessive compulsive. So, what do I do? I take medication for this. . because some of my organization goes a little too far. For a while, this works pretty well and then the seduction begins. You suddenly hear about new drugs that are better and have less side effects. You hear about these in all the media and you decide that maybe you aren't doing the best you can do in terms of medications. So you switch to a new one and find that they do have less side effects but don't help you as much as the first. You are then seduced again. Seduced to believe that a regular MD isn't as good as a psychiatrist and that you really should be seeing one instead. You break your decade long alliance with your MD and see a psychiatrist who instantly tells you that you are clearly on all the wrong medications. What would a silly MD know? This is her job to know. So, she gives you a new drug and what happens? You have this complete and total melt-down within 48 hours of taking it. You act like a meth addict and don't sleep, you have such bad shaking that you can't keep your head still, you call and call and call your doctor, oops, psychiatrist--and she never returns your calls, not even 3 days later when it's all said and done. Then, a few days later you realize that you have this odd rash on the one side of your back and wow, you've got SHINGLES. You go to the emergency room doctor, just a silly MD remember, who says that a very stressful situation or a severe reaction to a medication could've caused this breakout. . hmm. . does anything in my recent past meet this criteria? Fortunately, the silly MD gives you medications that stop the spread of the shingles but you do suffer for about 6 months. During this time, you go back to your psychiatrist and she says it's very rare and there was no way for her to realize that you'd actually have such a reaction. . but time to move on, let's start you on a better drug. You ask what the side effects are, as this is not your normal OCD drug and she says they are less than the SSRIs, which are usually used for my type of problem. You take her in total trust because you truly believe, plus she's a PSYCHIATRIST for God's sake, so she must be really knowledgeable about it. You start taking this drug and at first, all seems well. However, you suddenly start slipping into oblivion. Yep, all the OCD signs are gone. . it sure is working great! However, there seems to be a slight problem. . you don't seem to have the motivation to do ANYTHING. Showering, brushing your teeth, eating, going to work, having fun, exercising, loving your family -- geez, can't quite get the energy up for any of those, but my meds are working! My smart psychiatrist says so! Then one day you realize that you sleep about 16 to 18 hours out of a day, but that's normal, right? I mean, the OCD problems are gone and I sure am better. I go and see my smart, nice, trusty psychiatrist and she informs me that she is not going to keep her practice anymore and geez, in this small town, there ain't another one. She assures me I can find someone and leaves it at that. So, I return to my faithful MD who is appalled that I am on this drug because it's not even indicated for OCD and I am on double the max dosage. . stupid me for believing the psychiatrist. He explains how bad the withdrawals are going to be. . didn't my smart psychiatrist tell me this before I started taking it? It's considered the medication for life. Meaning, you can never get off of it because the withdrawals are so bad. Really? Geez, that might have been nice to know, but I guess I didn't really ask about withdrawals just side effects -- oops, my mistake. But how bad can it actually be? Thus, I start my withdrawls in early July and I soon find out that wow, this stuff isn't a joke. I hallucinate, throw up and have diarrhea daily, have an all-over body itch for 2 months, lose 15 pounds, and don't sleep . . . but that's okay because I just have to worry about going to work every day and making a living. I only have a mortgage and the regular bills all adults have so geez, no pressure there. . and then I break. I humbly tell my just-an-MD that he was right from the very beginning that I didn't need to change medications. He's very nice about this and offers to help me through this time. . but at this point, I'm way too far gone. My body (and mind) is damaged severely. I am forced to leave work for 2 months and am flat on my back. . so sick and weak. Gee, I woulda thought my smart psychiatrist would have thought to have a regular blood work check ran on me to rule out other problems but of course not, I'm *normal*. She *knows* what the problem is. . but my just-an-MD insists that we should check things, just in case. What a novel idea! And guess what? I'm so anemic that at the current altitude (about 7000 ft) where I live he's wondering how I'm walking around, and my thyroid is completely out of whack. So the next 2 months are spent trying to recover but soon money runs out and I must return to work. I'm not better. . I'm still sick. First, I blame it on the physical issues but by December they are a whole lot better and I can't really blame my feeling lifeless on that. In some ways I find the whole thing amusing. . I start off trying to control my actions of over-organization, constant cleaning, overworking, having everything in place, always remembering dates and deadlines, planning for every part of my future, taking immaculate care of my pets and family, and on and on and on. . . . and now, not only do I not have the motivation to do even one of those things, I don't even have the motivation to move my legs and turn over in bed. But, I guess my super-smart psychiatrist sure did fix my problem! I'm certainly not "overly organized" anymore. I guess I didn't realize that it would mean my entire life would have to end and I would have to be pushed into such a depressive state that I almost think dying would be easier. Oh, and did I neglect to mention that the medication she put me on was supposed to be used for other anxiety illnesses that I do *not* have and that it forces you to be more "low key", i.e. - at 2 times the normal dosages, extremely depressed. So now, I'm hanging by a thread, making it just day by day. Here's my life. . it's a simple synopsis, as it never changes from day to day: I drag myself from the bed in the morning and go to work, I make myself stay there until it's time to go home (not an easy task, especially when your work place sucks ass, which is another story entirely), I don't eat breakfast or lunch because it's too inconvenient for me to get up and get something. I go home and change into my PJs and go to sleep. When my husband comes home, he wakes me up and sometimes gets me to eat dinner, sometimes not. I then go back to bed. End of life. Repeat every day, 7 days a week. I finally have had enough. . I'd much rather be the OCD "freak" I was before who went to work and blew through stuff, had a great appetitite, loved to go out with friends and have hobbies, volunteered at so many different places, laughed and had a sense of humor, and yes, spent a lot of time working on my life -- because as it stands now, I don't have a life. I simply exist. I am here because I don't have anywhere else to go. The really ironic part is I'm depressed now not due to a medication but because of all that happened to me *because* of the medication. . I am caught in this web of being completely dysorganized and am not only back at square one, but at whatever square came before that. .

Blog #23-from myspace (1/25/2006)

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

My Only Method of Comfort Current mood: sad I'm writing this tonight for my friend. . a friend I haven't known long, but whom I have felt an instant affinity for. A friend who has just experienced a horrible loss. My friend who has been a support, strength, and best friend to someone during the biggest struggle in one's life. My friend's wife died early this morning after a long illness. I am not sure my friend realizes just how much he did for her in enriching her life and not just during this illness. He was her best friend, loyal husband, nurse, and also gave her dignity up until the end of her time on this earth. Sadly for him, today was the day she decided to leave and did so within his loving arms. I am not sad for her, as she has moved onto a place that is much better than earth, but I am sad for him. Unfortunately, there are no words I can say to comfort him, there is no magickal spell I can perform to bring her back -- the best I can do is tell him how it is and where she is, for that I am sure of. He may not believe and that is okay but even if it gives him a smile or a whisper of belief, then I have done something to help. Thus, this is for you W.S., and I am always there for you. My beliefs are fairly different than most. But I firmly believe them and while no one can back up the spiritual world with the exception of their own experiences, I believe I have had enough happen to me to make me believe what I am about to write. First, I do not believe a spirit can die. A human body is energy and energy is not something that dissipates. It can change form, but it cannot disappear. For you science types, that is a law of physics. Thus, I believe that when the human body no longer is suitable for the spirit it sheds the shell and leaves. Second, I believe that spirits reincarnate many times to this earth and that before they come back, they choose exactly the life they will have and they choose all the trials and tribulations they will encounter because they need this to bring their soul to a higher level. Once born into a human form, they are not aware that they chose this path, but I believe they did and for very good reasons. Thus, it is some comfort to me that when we have problems and bad circumstances that we know we *are* in control of it and that this is for the higher good. They say animals don't forget this choice and that is why they are far less connected to their physical bodies for they see the larger picture, but human beings (or most of them) don't have that capacity. I take some comfort in knowing that I chose to be where I am at, even if I don't understand it at the time. They say that like souls travel together and that is a great comfort to me. I have seen a few of my animal souls come back to me in this lifetime and I am sure that humans bonded as tightly as my friend and his wife were, will be together again, in some capacity. Time has no bearing except in the earthly plane so it will work out again that they will be together when it is right. As for where I think my friend's wife is tonight, I believe that when she finally was able to free herself from her ailing body, she found herself in a very peaceful forest with a large, teak-wood bridge in front of her. The bridge spans a canyon with water underneath and she can see a beautiful landscape on the other side. I can't explain it to you, as I don't think human words can describe it, but she sees it and knows that is where she belongs. She is not scared, she is at peace, and she now has the memory of why things were the way they ended up. She may not cross this bridge yet, as she might want to stay in the earthly plane for a while to watch over her loved ones, but she is not confused, hurting, or even sad. . because she now knows that she can be with her loved ones on the earthly plane anytime she wants and she also can be in the spritual plane where she finds comfort, healing, and rest. When she, or another soul, is ready they will walk across the bridge and as they do so, they feel the human constraints of body, illness, bad emotions, etc. leave with every step they take forward. She can always look back and be right with her loved ones who are still on earth. However, the moment she takes her foot off the bridge and steps down on the opposite side, she is where she is supposed to be. This is Summerland. . a beautiful place and she is greeted by souls of those she has loved and known before. She is given time to reflect, rest, and meet with her spirit guides and to decide what her next step in her soul's life should be. . if she is to come back to earth, she will decide exactly how it will be and the Universe ensures that the souls she interacted with and bonded with so closely on earth will always be involved, as that is the way it is supposed to be. I cannot tell you a time frame, as time has no meaning there. But know she is happy, free, and loves those she left as much as before but without the sadness. One last thing is that when souls depart the body, they often stay in the earthly plane for a while to give comfort to their loved ones. Usually, the loved ones are too grief stricken to feel their presence. Some clues that are obvious to anyone is the strong smell of flowers, finding small trinkets in unusual places, and the actions of your pets. Pets can see souls and do not differentiate between them and those that are of this earth. If you see your pet staring at a spot on the wall or the floor and is doing so very intently, I can assure you that your wife is with you and is there to give you the love and energy you need to get through this. I hope this comforts you. If you can just take the pieces that mean something to you and they give you even a second of comfort, then I have done something right by you. I will be thinking of you daily. I will be sending you energy of all forms -- love, protection, safety, comfort, etc. and I will be here also by earthly methods if you need me.

Blog #22-from myspace.com (1/24/2006)

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Ketchup Current mood: awake I thought it was time to catch up all the friends who have been asking how I've been doing. I wish the news were better. The one good thing is as I write this, my new kitten, Smacky, is trying to help me type this. She has been the one good thing that has happened to me in the past 2 weeks. 4 months old and all kitten, but that is another story. So, the update. Yeah, well changed meds a while back and seemed to be helping. I actually thought that maybe I was turning a corner over MLK weekend. . I actually had energy and did fun art stuff, walked the dog, didn't nap excessively, and had a good attitude. However, Tuesday following I was back to where I'd been. . with one difference. I'm not going to take sleeping pills anymore. . I don't care if I'm up all night, I just am going to free my body of that trap and hope I can fall into a good sleep pattern again. . or so I say. I'm not real confident on my abilities to comment on how I will manage my sleep. This past weekend was the opposite. I was tired, bored, restless but had no energy to do a thing. I basically slept the day away Saturday. On Sunday, I did go to lunch w/ an old friend and it was great to see her. Nothing like 25 years of friendship to form a bond that cannot be broken. But, even she could see I am very, very sad. I could tell that despite my cheery demeanor, she knew I was profoundly depressed. I then lost it when I got home. I was taking a bandage off a surgical wound that I have and accidentally tore some skin. . seriously minor. . . but I broke down into sobbing tears and I ended up crying for about 3 hours. I do not know what is wrong with me. I constantly hurt, whether it's emotional or physical. But I always have an ailment. . and I'm not a hypochondriac. . I am pretty tough, especially given my medical history. I am scared for I have ran out of options as to what I can do. I've tried a set schedule, tried medications, and have tried therapy. I would like to go to therapy but for reasons concerning my job it's not "safe" and I feel fairly victimized by that source being taken from me. If you know what I am talking about you are not safe with the patient/confidentiality law. . trust me that the government can coerce you into handing over anything. . as it has happened to me. So, I pose a question to you readers -- what do I do? I know people read this, I see views daily and I need help. I just can't take too much more of this lack of enthusiasm for life. . it's such a waste. I also can't keep up my front of feeling okay when I have to and then falling apart later. I want to help myself and I want to have energy. . I don't want to sleep my days away in order to escape reality. . but I don't know how when I am always tired and feeling awful. Please, if you have ideas, know of things I'm missing, or just have some words of wisdom, I welcome your response. Okay, Smacky *really* wants to write something so here goes: fddsxfdsds90xerre34saasaser

Blog #21-from myspace.com (1/18/2006)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Silence of the End Current mood: thoughtful Today marked the end of a relationship that has caused so much pain and suffering in my life. It was truly the last straw and one that I think I am okay with. I was told by my former best friend that we shouldn't communicate any longer by email or otherwise, because it caused him "too much anxiety". Wow, that'll make you feel about 2 inches tall in about 2 seconds. I don't usually view myself as a anxiety-producing person, with the exception of to myself. So I started to think about this and I start to see the final illusions of my relationship with this person fall apart. This is a blessing, an ability to let go. . but there is still the pain of rejection from someone you really thought loved you and cared about you. I think of his life and think about all the sources of anxiety that he has and maybe I am the only thing he can let go of without cost. I certainly didn't fight the request, as I would never badger someone who didn't want to hear from me. . but I wonder how much other anxiety he must be under to feel so overloaded. Yeah, his life is changing. . my take is he is in super debt, has a fiancee that doesn't want to talk about a wedding, and a baby due in the summer. I guess the sad part is, I should be a feeling of support, not one of anxiety, but when has our relationship ever been normal? I feel like someone who has gone through a difficult divorce and nasty proceedings to make it final. It's now done and over, which is a huge relief, but you find youself wondering "how did I ever think I cared for this person at all?" or "who is this person?". . . and that is how I feel now. As always, there is this small piece of hope that thinks that maybe he really does care about me deep down inside but puts up this facade because he cannot handle facing the issues to make it right with me. But I realize, that is bullshit and if he cared at all for me, he'd be making an effort. Over the past few years, this knowledge of his lack of caring about me has always been like a knife stuck into me and caused a lot of pain, scarring, and blood loss. However, this time, it was not like that. It was more like a pin prick that hurt for a brief second and then went away. In a way, it's best that he said that, as I will never call him, email him, and if I see him I will act as if I don't know him, and in truth, I really don't anymore. I would never put my energy and love into someone who has absolutely no regard for returning it. A very wise woman gave me a few things to think about when the new year started and I think they are worthy of sharing with you. One, she encouraged me to seek out someone I know, whether I know them well or not, and write them a card or note and give them a small gift and tell them that I appreciate them. At first, I wasn't sure how this would go over, but it's been a really positive thing. I have found that there are people out there who do like me and want my friendship and I have also found that there are people who need that one little reminder that they are special because they are having a hard time themselves. It doesn't mean I want to rack all of these people up as new best friends, but it's nice to put good energy out there and see a smile on someone's face that you put there. The second thing this wise woman told me is to spend at least 15 minutes with one of my pets a day. I guess I already thought I did this, but not really in such a concentrated manner. I have found such feelings of happiness, love, and joy when either grooming one of my cats, or having a play group with 2 or 3 of them together. Animals remind you of what is important - the here and now. They don't worry about yesterday (or even the past hour) and certainly don't worry about tomorrow. . they are just happy to be here for this moment and to share time with them is not only fun, but enlightening. If only we could all learn to live our lives like that. So, since 2006 began, I may have taken 1 step back in the friendship department but I think I've gained at least 2 steps forward by seeking out positive people for myself, and animals, too! Now that I've accepted the end of this friendship, I don't find the silence of his rejection so painful anymore. . it's more of a relief. I know I won't have to agonize over this person or his problems anymore and so the silence is the most welcome sound to my ears.

Blog #20-from myspace.com (1/6/2006)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Fragmented Current mood: scared Today is my first day back at work after the break. I am terribly ashamed to say I barely made it through the day. I am currently in the midst of a horrid panic attack and hope you'll understand my fragmented writing. I'm scared. I can't seem to get better. I am so tired constantly with no real medical reason. Last night I actually got a full night's sleep and at work this morning I was dragging my tail between my legs just to get through the first few hours - hours when I am normally most alert. I'm tired. Tired of being tired and always sleepy. Tired of not being able to do anything. Tired of not being normal enough to just get out of bed, go to work, get it over with and come home. I guess this shouldn't surprise me when during our break I could barely make it outside for fun things. I spent my 35th birthday in my PJs that had been worn for 3 days. I'm worried. I don't know why work has become such a point of apprehension to me. I can't seem to sit still when I'm there and when I'm not there, I'm worried I'm in trouble. I get my job done but I'm getting to the point where I feel I need to do something else. . but what? In this town, you either work for the "organization" or you don't work. . it's such a 1 industry town. I'm shaking. I don't feel comfort in any of the things that normally comfort me. My cats, my bedroom, my bed, the sounds of my house as it's quiet during the afternoon. . I feel like I should be somewhere else but I don't know where that is. I've had enough. I don't know what to do from here. I've done all the things you are supposed to do. I am eating well, taking medications, my bloodwork has been checked over and over, I'm going to work, I'm trying to sleep well. . and none of it makes any difference. I want to roll over and die. I'm that tired of it. Only, I really want to live, but not like this. What is my purpose here? Surely it's not to be a burden to the 3 people I love so much. It can't be to be a slave to this organization and not be able to even make a go of it. For those who know me, where did my direction and enthusiasm go? My mom says that maybe my purpose here is for another person, but how can I help or be that source for them if I can't even get myself together? I know this is scattered. . that's how panic attacks are. You feel like you are about to die and you're body and mind feel that way too. Does anyone out there know how this is? Does anyone have a good ending? Can anyone tell me how to keep it together until I can get out of this state? If so, please tell me about it.

Blog #19-from myspace.com (12/31/2005)

Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Year's Revelations Current mood: optimistic I know, most people have New Year's resolutions, but they don't really work for me. Not to say I don't believe in them, as I've seen many folks stick to them, but for me, it's not that way. Thus, I've decided that I want to start 2006 by looking back at 2005 and seeing what revelations I might find. Whether this means change or not, is really dependent on what I find. First, over 2005 I've realized that I need to let things go. Specifically, trying to get the friendships and attention of those who don't give a rat's ass about me. Truly, I don't aspire to have everyone in this world like me. I know I have many traits that push people back, but I do have some very, very loyal and true friends and have found that the new ones I have pursued do not live up to my expectations. This may be partly my fault & partly theirs but in the end fault doesn't matter, does it? The outcome is the same. I have just decided that I don't want to waste any more time on those who could care less about me (hey Brad, are you relieved? it's been 3 years of actions and words from you telling me that exact thing and guess what--I finally got it). I'm not even mad about it anymore. Being mad gives it importance and I think that it's far more important to find new people who are truly interested in me than to keep busting my ass trying to fit into this circle of friends who never accepted me anything other than as J's wife. So, number one revelation -- let it go with all of them and search for those worth the time. What's the second? Well, another thing this year is that I learned the big lesson about not taking care of myself. I have never been sicker (except for when I was a child) as I was this year and 80 percent of it was my own fault. I ate crappy, kept bad habits, had a bad attitude, and took a lot of extra medications that I did *not* need. Just for the record, my psychiatrist is responsible for the other 20 percent, as she is the one who prescribed my un-needed medications that were hell to get off. So, revelation number two -- take care of myself, even if it seems as if that is all I can do for that day. For people with depression, it is sometimes the only thing you can do, but I am seriously going to try. I am going to try and eat better, sleep better, quit being a recluse, and be normal. I know for an absolute fact, I will have bad days and fall down, but I am going to try to keep on going. Who am I doing this for? Me, myself, and I. For once, it's all about me. Revelation number three -- there are just certain facts of life you can't change and you have to either move on or adjust. I guess I mean this in terms of this town and my job. But, I think everyone has had just about enough of the whining about my hatred for the job and this town. So, I either need to do something about it or shut up. It's that simple. I've seriously been looking into moving to Las Cruces and I love it there very much but then something deep inside me says to stay. So, for now, I'm not sure which path I will follow, but it will either be that I find a way to like my job or at least tolerate it; or I will take the big plunge and try Las Cruces. The last revelation, number four -- I have a great family. Yep, my family rocks. J, the katz, Rusty, my parents. . they have kept hanging on through this year with me when I've been most unpleasant, sick as a dog, out of my head, and just plain ugly to be around. They have saved me and I owe it to them,as much as myself, to get my act together. For you New Year's revelers, have a geat time out there and be safe. I, for one, will miss the big hour, as I am going to go to bed early and get my rest. Tomorrow is 2006 and I have a lot of things I need to start to work on.

Blog #18-from myspace.com (12/30/2005)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Untitled Current mood: calm Okay, I said I'd write about the main things that were bothering me and this is the last one. Unfortunately, at this time, the writer has a mental block. It's too painful and not worth my grief. Someday, I will try to write something cohesive and meaningful, but if I can't explain it to myself, then how can I explain it to you? If you've read my blogs, you'll see that it's an issue that has ended badly and I don't really see any recourse or fix for the situation. Just know this - I loved that person very much and was betrayed in some of the worst ways possible. I don't think that they deserve my words because they aren't listening anyway. Also know - I learned that people like that come along maybe only once or twice in your entire life and if it goes well, it's awesome but if not, it's miserable. . so when you find yourself in my position; evaluate it carefully. This is untitled because I really cannot think of anything appropriate, I'm not sure there is a word in any human language that could describe it.

Blog #17 -from myspace.com (12/30/2005)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Soul Mates Current mood: melancholy Most people in this world refer to a soulmate as being the "perfect" person that they are "meant" for in life. I find this a big load of crap. No offense, but honestly, do you really think that there is just *one* person out there for you in this world? And if so, did you think the chances of meeting this person might be a bit slim? So, are you settling for someone else? And if so, what happens if the real thing comes along? Do you magically say "you're the one I've been waiting for all my life" and then you run away to Canada with this person? What about your life that you crafted with other people? Are they just left behind? See, that theory has some major holes. I do believe that a person has a soulmate (now I know this sounds very hypocritical, but hear me out) but I'm not of the belief that a/it has to be a romantic connection and b/it doesn't have to be another human being. I said I'd write about the things bothering me so this is blog 2 of 3 on the subjects. I believe my soulmate is a feline soul and I have had the chance to know this soul in this life 2 times. The first time was back in the summer of '91 and my then-boyfriend gave me a little kitten from his aunt who bred Siamese cats. . wedgies to be specific (this matters if you know Siamese cats). I remember specifically picking up this little soul and driving downtown in Las Cruces, NM with it being about 100 degrees and having this little soul howl his little lungs out the entire way home. He was a little runt and looked like a rat, his points had not grown in yet, so he was almost completely cream colored. I was hooked in the heart within the first 5 minutes. At the time, I was really into the Violent Femmes and named him Femme. I feel bad about this, as he was a boy, but all the same, he was a really smart cat. I would say "Femme, get your belt" and I'd see him get up, hear the squeak of my cheap apartment closet door opening, hear the banging of the wire hangers in the closet, and finally hear the padding of his little feet as he'd lay the belt down by me. We'd play for hours with that thing. Femme was also my roommate, in addition to my other cat--Murphy Brown. Femme slept with me every night. Same routine -- he'd paw at the covers, get inside, and lay right up next to my stomach and put his paw in my hand. I loved that cat more than I'd ever loved anything in my life and I was very surprised at how much I could love this little creature. I know this sounds crazy but we'd talk to one another and I'd actually hear what he had to say back. I know it wasn't self-speak, as I wouldn't say some of those things. Then, suddenly, when he was three he died. He had an anaphylactic (sp?) seizure at the vet. It was a freak accident. I was devastated. My best friend had died and I literally was wrapped in grief about him for years. At that point, I'm not sure I realized that he was my soulmate or the lesson he was trying to teach me. In the early spring of 1995, I got in touch with a breeder who had a litter of Siamese wedgies. I wanted a boy and she only had girls, so I wasn't too sure about it. However, she sent me a photo of the 3 available and I knew the *second* I saw her that she was the one. It wasn't until later that I'd realize she was also the same soul of my beloved Femme. My mom and I drove to meet the woman half-way and ended up in Vaughn, NM. For anyone who has ever been to Vaughn, not much there. We waited at a cafe and I was as nervous as a new parent ready to adopt a baby. Suddenly, a big Cadillac blew up into the parking lot and the breeder got out. We made the usual pleasantries and then she told me to go get my girl. I opened the passenger side door and couldn't figure out where the cat was. . she was so tiny (fit into the palm of your hand) and she also didn't have her points yet, so she blended into the cream colored interior. I picked that baby up and she immediately started crying. My mom held her all the way home and that baby cried the entire way. She looked a bit like a fruit bat, with those big dark eyes and ears too big for her body. That night, she paced the house, looking for her siblings and mommy. I felt so bad for her. Finally she resided under my bed. So, I wedged myself under as far as I could and reached out and held her palm/paw. We slept that way the first night. Imagine my amazement when the next day, she was this confident, in-your-face kitten and started sleeping with me exactly like Femme had done. Princess Beanie had just stolen my heart again. We had eight wonderful years together. She often weeded out my boyfriends by showing her distaste of them at night. She'd crawl in the bed and bite their privates. . only if they weren't suitable. She finally accepted Jason so I knew he was the real deal. It pains me to tell this part, but we went camping over labor day in 2003 and when we came home we found her dead from a very freak accident. So freak, I think that she did it on purpose. I could tell you all the details and the reasons why I believe it was self-inflicted, but you'll either believe me or not. I can't tell you how much I suffered. I don't remember the rest of that day. My parents and Jason say I screamed "no" for a few hours. I'm still not over it, but I have figured a few things out. Her departure marked a big change in where my life was going. In a way, she moved me to where I needed to be spiritually. She also got me to start thinking that she was the same soul as my Femme and that she wasn't coming back again until I figured it out. So, what was the big lesson? I *think* it's that I can't control life. I can't safeguard her or anyone else to try and make sure they are going to be with me for their entire life. I can't hold onto them so tightly. I have to be able to deal with life even if I am the only one left. The other part of the lesson is that she's not really gone, just out of my reach. If I try hard enough with meditation I can feel her and see where she is, but I know she's not ready to come back yet, so I know I haven't mastered either parts of the lesson yet. Was it worth loving both of these cats, who are the same being, for all the sadness? My answer HELL YES. I have never loved so openly, so forgivingly, and so deeply. So, you can think I'm a nut-case but I know that she is my soulmate and whether she's in a male or female body, it doesn't matter. In fact, if I had enough self-awareness and practice, I could see her even w/o her body. I'm working on it. . but I know w/o a doubt that there is an afterlife and she is clearly there giving me signs now and then. Clear signs that refute any doubt that it's her. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on those who believe soulmates are people and that it all works so magically, but I think that your soulmate is the one who walks with you through the hard times and is often the one who hits you with the tough issues for your soul's benefit, even if it does hurt. I love you miss Bean. . I can't wait to see you either in Summerland or this side. I'll do my best to master my lessons. You are reason enough alone to try hard. In fact, you're the best reason. I love you.

Blog #16-from myspace.com (12/30/2005)

Friday, December 30, 2005

CNC Current mood: indescribable Halloween party in October of 1995. Newly single and ready to party, I attend this soiree with great expectations and I am not disappointed. Struggling through the crowd with a costume and a beer, I see him from across the room immediately. Intense eyes, looking directly into you; a smile that lights up this person to their fullest; full lips that have the look of someone who's been outside in the snow; and that hair. . messy, long, light brown that I could run my hands through it over and over again. Hours pass and soon I am engaged in deep conversation with this person. I am shocked to learn he is only 19 while I am the wise, old 23. But, I know with this person that age isn't a factor, he far outweighs my maturity. We talked about everything and a bond was established. Not a friend bond, but a bond that goes beyond those realms. The party started to end and we both seemed astonished that so many hours had gone by. Over the next several weeks, turning into months, we were inseparable. I could not stand to be away from him for too long and the passion I felt was equally shared on his end. We had many dissenters. . I was too old, he was too young, what could we possibly have in common. . but we did have the core thing in common - the thing that keeps people together - a bond of love. As the holidays approached my fears grew. He would be leaving our town to return to school for a semester. I had my share of long distance relationships and was scared this would turn out like all of the others. The "wise" 23 year old did the absolute, most careless thing. I pushed him away, I stopped taking his calls, and he went away hurt, hating me, and feeling as if I was not the person he had been in love with. I also hurt immensely but felt I had no right to feel this way. Looking back, a simple talk would have given us the year back that we lost over this, but I didn't know how and wasn't nearly as wise and adult as I had thought. The following year, I trudged along with life, feeling empty and sad. Again, as the holidays grew close, I felt this strong urge to contact him and try and explain. I agonized over an email and sent it to his school address and was astonished to see he was back in town for 9 months. To say we just got back together would be an insult to his pride. He very cautiously took the time to get to know me again. We had many 'dates' where we were strangers, like we had never met before. I also remember many nights being so sick to know that I might have lost this precious soul forever. After a few months of this, and a lot of talking, we fell into a routine of friends. Disappointed, was I, but glad to have any form of friendship with him. Then, a few weeks before Easter, he had to leave for a week. When I left his house that night, we hugged but the Universal winds had changed. I could feel it and so could he. What started as a hug grew into so much more and we were probably the closest we'd ever been that night, both emotionally and physically. It's a night that will never fade in my mind. That spring we spent much time cooking (or attempting to), sleeping on his roof to see the stars at night, listening to him play his guitar and sing, and I was lulled into this love affair. However, by June, I could again feel the winds of the Universe were about to change again and while I understand now the reason for it, I certainly didn't then. By June we both thought it'd be best to date others and shortly thereafter I met the man I would end up marrying. However, we kept in touch daily, doing things together, and there was never a moment of animosity. Time than sped up. . he moved back to school to finish his PhD and I got married, bought a house, and was wrapped up in domestic bliss. However, no matter where I was, he was always looking out for me. Our town had a horrible wildfire in 2000 and we were out of our home for 2 weeks. . within 5 minutes of phone service being restored, it rang, and it was him - makingn sure we were okay. In summer of 2003, he had finished his PhD and found a dream job in England. I was so very proud of this person. I loved him in a way you can't explain unless you've shared very special moments. I don't remember the last time we spoke, but it was close to his departure in July. From all accounts, his life there was flourishing. He had a wonderful job, was in a band, and played soccer. He had tons of friends and I'm sure he had his share of lady friends, too. Then, as we all dread, I got the phone call that changed my life. His mother, a strong, dear person, called me because I was the one person who truly knew him out here. She told me a very sad story. One that I will never totally understand, but suffice it to say, he suffered an acute on-set of schizophrenia and had killed himself in the most public place and in the most violent way. I could not even make his funeral, as my grandfather was buried that same day. There was no note, no sign, no warning. To this day, I do not, I *will* not believe he killed himself. I believe something insidious was inside his mind and it forced actions out of him that he could not control. My heart is broken and part of my soul is gone. I now understand why our love ended so easily and amicably that summer of 1997. The Universal One, the Creator of this World, knew what fate we both we face and knew that I could not emotionally deal with it had we continued on in our blissful relationship. Thus, I moved on to someone I love with all my heart and so what was best for both of us was decided right then. However long it had been since we had been together, I loved him all the same. I ache to hear his voice, to read his sarcastic writings, to hear him play guitar, and to have his arms around me. I also feel so angry because he was cheated. Cheated out of so many things to come in his life. But, in more quiet times, I realize that maybe he wasn't cheated but has moved onto something far more important than those things on this earthly plane. I also have survivor's guilt. . why couldn't I be the one who saved him? I'm actually writing a song about that. He was my angel who saved me so why couldn't I save him back? I'll never have all the answers and will never be okay with his parting from the earthly realm. But, I am trying to live my life each day in peace and remember him for who he was and all that he taught me. If I could say anything to him, I think it would be that I loved him so much and that I hope it pervades the different realms of spirits; that I don't understand why he is gone but if that is what he wanted then I am okay with it; and finally, to please never lose sight of me for I truly believe we will meet again and under different circumstances. I believe Billy Corgan wrote a lyric for the song Muzzle that says "All things surely have to end. Great loves always have to part". . so maybe this is the time for us to be apart. However, I pray every night that I will have him in my life again, whether here or on another plane. He was someone you've liked to know.

Blog #15-from myspace.com (12/30/2005)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Silent Night Current mood: exhausted We're finally past the Christmas/Holiday madness and I am one who is relieved. I really have never liked the holidays, even as a kid. Kinda funny that way. I tried to go to bed early, but not even my new, super-duper, this-will-knock-a horse-on -its-ass dr. prescribed pills seem to help. Good news on the health front - non longer anemic nor hypothyroid, but the bad news is my depression must stem from many emotional things, which I believe are harder to solve than a physical ailment. Thus, I have decided to post the next few blogs about things that I am having a really hard time with and I hope you'll be sympathetic to the fact that I am not a good writer. I'm just telling you how I feel. With that, buenos noches. . .

Blog #14-from myspace.com (12/20/2005)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Broken Current mood: sad I am alive, although my body thinks otherwise. Energy is something it seems to never have known, or at least nothing it recognizes as familiar now. Sustenance of the body is of no importance, for it has no reason to be refueled. Sleep comes and goes, but is my best friend, as it allows me to escape into a place where there is no pain and no boundaries. Despite all my efforts to stay out of the land of the living, my body pushes on in the everlasting battle. I'd like to think that part of my soul is still trying to live. What has brought me to such a place? Too many traumas in such a quick time. I am ashamed when I see my reaction to these traumas. Certainly others in life have faced far more adversity and kept on going simply because they had the inner-strength. I believe that my soul has been broken and parts of it are missing and scattered, much like a broken vase when it hits a hardwood floor. Where are these missing pieces? That is one question I do know the answer to. Pieces were given away as precious gifts to a person who accepted them freely. However, when it no longer became convenient for him to have these gifts, he merely forgot about them and they linger, scattered somewhere apart from my core. Not only did he lack the courage to admit how he really felt, he also lacked the courtesy of releasing the part of me that he held so close. I believe to this day that he holds the pieces of my soul hostage because he isn't safe without them and he knows this, deep down inside. Selfish, but at least human. Pieces were taken, and freely given, by Princess Beanie. Only she knows the true meaning of why such awful things happened, but I suspect that there is a much deeper lesson than the ones I have tried to come up with. For her, I don't want my broken pieces back, as I feel that she still nutures and loves them and at some point they will be reclaimed when we meet again. The other scattered and broken pieces were taken when my friend, my lover--Chris--took his own life in such a violent manner. Death is a part of life, but how can suicide ever be something you can accept when the person was a healthy 28 year old with so much to live for? I am unsure how to get the pieces of my soul back from him, as I truly do not know where he roams. Part of my soul was given to him in a way only someone in love can give, but the rest was taken by such a deep and horrific loss. Shamanic healers are known to be ones who can find and pick up the pieces of your soul and paste them back together. In a complicated ritual, they go to the lower and upper worlds on the astral plane and work to find the shards of their patient's missing souls. These gifted healers then return to the earthly plane and physically blow the pieces of the missing soul back into their patient's body. I have yet to find such a healer, even though I live in a place where there are many close by. Possibly I am scared of being whole again? Possibly I am unsure how to live in this world and be happy? Have I veered off course so much that I can no longer understand that pain is a part of this life? That without pain I am incapable of ever knowing happiness? The sad lesson I've learned is jaded and depressing. Which is -- be guarded, choose whom you love carefully, and certainly do not give any part of your soul to anyone -- all of this could cause you to be in the state where I am at. What a horrible and disrespectful view of this beautiful earthly life. To never let yourself love or give yourself away is not living, it's simply getting by. Am I sorry or regretful for the missing pieces of my soul? Certainly not in the cases of Princess Bean and my beautiful Chris. But beware of those who are not all they claim to be. My compromise? Caution and many walls. If the spirit is worthy of part of your soul, they will continue to love you until all your walls are broken down and then you will know that they are worthy of part of your soul, and you in part, are worthy of a piece of theirs. It's extremely sad that we must live our lives in this state of compromise. It would be such a better world if we knew that spirits were exactly how they appeared to us, not colored by our feelings for them. But this world is not fair and to live as I am living is no way to be. Thus, compromise and when you find those worthy, love them as much as you are able and for as long as you can and maybe then it is worth the pain of hearing your soul shatter as it breaks.

Blog #13-from myspace (12/12/2005)

Monday, December 12, 2005

Insomnia Sucks Current mood: tired Any chronic insomniacs out there? If so, and you're not peacefully in dreamland, my condolences. I have had insomnia since the early 90's and it's getting to the point where it's starting to be a real problem. I wonder if there is such a thing as Sleepers Anonymous? I know why I am an insomniac, I use sleep much the same way as a drug addict uses drugs. . to escape reality. If the sun's up, I can sleep but when it's dark, forget it. I've tried everything. . sleep labs, sleep rules, etc. etc. and I always end up falling back down into the bad sleep patterns. Also, when something goes wrong in my day or I am emotionally upset, what do I do? sleep, sleep, and sleep some more. That's the truest form of denial, folks. To be truthful, I am also fairly (ok, straight up) addicted to dr. prescribed sleeping pills. Ambien is my choice and for years 5 mg would knock my socks off. . but now, I can take up to 25 mg and will be awake for hours after that. So, I have branched out into augmenting that with Benadryl, Nyquil, etc. . Every day I get up and say "I'm not going to sleep at all during the day today" and more times than not, I end up napping. Obviously, no sleep that night when that happens. I've tried just sucking it up and not taking a pill and I'm still awake when my alarm goes off in the AM. It's hard enough to be cheery in the AM hours, but worse when you're brain dead from lack of sleep. Plus, my job does require me to be a bit mentally with it (i'm a programmer) so it's another thing that needs a good night's sleep to work well. I wonder if there are re-hab places for bad sleepers like me. . who don't let you sleep during the day (do they slap you with a stick or give you an electric shock when you start heading off to dreamland) but establish good sleeping habits?? Probably not. I guess the difference between myself and an addict is that I do need sleep at some level, just not in the manner I have been using as of late. Did you know there is a greek God, Hypnos, who supposedly would put his people to sleep by either tapping their eyes 3 times with his finger tips or by fanning his dark wings against their faces. He had 3 sons (I can only remember one's name - Morpheus) and they were responsible for taking you into dreamland, thus freeing your soul for astral travel elsewhere. For all of you out there w/ insomnia, I wrap you in energy full of sweet dreams and restorative sleep. As for me, let's just say, I chant many a prayer to Hypnos... :)

Blog #12- myspace.com (12/12/2005)

Monday, December 12, 2005

Snowflakes & Sadness Current mood: tired Ever notice how beautiful, yet sad, a snowflake can be? Each delicate one is so uniquely made from the stars and heavens above only to fall slowly to the ground where it immediately dies and melts away. This year I have often felt like a snowflake. . not in the aspect of its beauty, but because I know I am one of those unique entities sent from the heavens to fall down to this earth. Yes, I should be less fragile, but the point is, I'm not - I melt away every time I touch down. I carry a deep sadness within me that causes my falls from the skies to be fatal. I try and stop the inevitable crash to the ground but I can't seem to figure out what keeps the other snowflakes around me to be able to stick to a tree, an icicle, or anything to stay alive for one more precious moment. Why am I sad? I don't know. I just feel empty. I have everything to be joyful for - a man in my life who exceeds my dreams, a close-knit set of friends, means that are enough to be comfortable & warm, a great family, and my beautiful, soul-bearing cats and dog who are one of the few things that make me smile. I am sitting here today in my warm house, with the silence that falls in the afternoon, where the cats have all curled up to take another dreamy adventure. I have a Christmas tree up and in the darkened room, it glows and looks like jewels or stars twinklingn from the sky. My point? I am at home. I should be at work and again, for the millionth time, I just could not face the day. My job is fine, it's not that, it's the simple acts that stymie my ability to join the world of the living - like getting dressed, brushing my teeth, and actually putting my coat on to go outside. Am I depressed? Obviously it looks that way, and yes, on medications I am. But they don't lift the heavy veil that hangs over my eyes and makes me unable to function. After a day like this, I always try, try, try to be better and shake myself out of this but I've fallen into an old well and each time I get out, it's a struggle and takes a part of me that I can't get back. . so when I fall back into the well, as I did today, I am angry with myself and also helpless. I believe in a U2 song it talks about peace and says something like "Will we ever live in peace? For those who can't do, often have to and those who can do, often have to preach." I feel quite disgusted w/ myself for being in the latter category - I have all the benefits of a peaceful life while so many are living in horrible times and horrid conditions and I'm the one who can't be at peace? I've been given the gift of freedom, free will and I throw it away by staying in my bed all day, looking at the ceiling. I certainly don't deserve the peace that so many others are worthy of and find out of sheer need. My admiration of these people is great and my disgust of myself even greater. My promise? To keep trying. To keep crawling up out of the well and try to avoid falling back in. . but how many chances do I get? I think I've used my fair share. .

Blog #11- myspace.com (12/6/2005)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Ride On Motherfucker Current mood: cold okay, so i can't take credit for the title, but thank you to the ever-brilliant, Billy Corgan for that lyric from the song, Slunk. it's so perfect. . i mean, 3 words get my entire point across. One, you are a real motherfucker and deep down inside, i think you know this. Two, ride on just has so many good connotations - in other words, leave me alone; don't try and be anywhere near me; forget that you ever had my respect on any level. do i sound angry? gee, i wonder why. a few words: courtesy, isolation, remorse, and karma. hmm. . courtesy - i guess promises you make don't mean much as in the "i'll tell ya before anyone else knows" bullshit. . and to make it even worse, you had the chance to just confirm what i already asked you, but instead you denied it. isolation - now this is self imposed, i admit, but it sure seems like i get the absolute short end of the stick here. i can't go to hardly any group friend event because you'll be there and you make me sick and upset any time i see or talk to you. . so a night alone on the couch far outweighs the consequences of seeing you. still, mighty unfair. . your audacity to think it's perfectly okay for us to co-exist disgusts me. onto remorse - or rather, lack thereof. . you have absolutely no feelings of sadness, guilt, responsibility, etc. . in terms of how we ended up and i definitely am the one who has suffered. and the last, great one - karma. oops, better look that one up, not sure you know what that means. according to good old Webster, karma is defined as "the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence". However, you don't have to be a Hindu or Buddist to believe in it. . and as i know it to be true, you should really be worried. now, for the simple minded person, i can see how you would brush this off, snicker, say you don't take fault or believe in 'karma shit' and that i am 'off my rocker, lady'. . and i understand that you can't get the real ramifications of the situation. you are what i call a blinder, a person who draws the line in the sands of the past and doesn't look back past that line. when things get complicated or tricky, you just mix up your life's variables and move on. forget the casualties. i also know you'd like to call me crazy, or off-balance, but honestly, i am fully aware and in control of my destiny. i have decided to clean up my moral act: no more lying, doing an honest day's work, trying to be kind to all those around me, and most importantly, being honest about how i feel. i am the opposite of you. i wear my emotions proudly on my sleeve. . every drop of blood i lose is going to be noticed by those who are around me. . and if you choose to put on your blinders to the bloodletting you've caused, then fine. as Hermes said (yeah, you might want to look him up, not sure you're academically or spiritually there) "as above, so is below" - which means all actions here do have an effect on the Universe and any good act begets good energy back to you, whereas any bad act begets bad energy. you're have big changes coming up and soon you will not only be responsible for your own self, but for 2 others. the time will come where you cannot draw a line in the sand, or mix up your life's variables to suit your needs. in other words, you're not going to be able to duck out of the party once it stops being fun. doing so will make you a deadbeat dad and husband. i don't wish you ill will, but i do thank the AA approach for letting me get over all the grief about you. the 'take one day at a time' motto works well for me. . each day i can go w/o talking or seeing you is another day that i realize how much better off i am w/o you in my life and that you really are the motherfucker i mentioned above. yeah, you'll blow this off, but deep down inside, i am sure you know what the real truth is. it's your blinders and self-denial that help you sleep at night. and sleep well, i'm sure. maybe that's why i am an insomniac, i think about the things bothering me and look for a way to address them. that is called being in tune w/ yourself and being real. you are about the farthest from real than anyone i have ever met. so ride on motherfucker!

Blog #10-from myspace.com (12/1/2005)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Another True Angel Found Current mood: loved How is it that souls who know each other deeply find one another when in need? I find it amazing to those who don't believe in some sort of Universal order that these are coincidences. Just yesterday, I wrote about my true angels and missed one. Today he called and I realized just how much I needed to hear his angelic voice. In sharing our stories of life as it is now, we reached the common bond that only souls truly connected can make. I was sad, happy, reflective, and laughing - all good things to feel in connection to this angel of mine. It confirms my belief that the Universe is in motion and none of this is chance. The only thing you have to do is take off your blinders and find the true angels from the imposters. Hang in the KWP. . I love you to pieces and it will get better.

Blog #9 -from myspace (12/01/2005)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Closet Current mood: satisfied I think I've been stuck in a closet. Not in the way you normally think. I've been put in a dark closet and am wrapped in a blanket of false notions that the person owning the closet has given me. I am told by the owner that I am a precious piece of cargo, something so special it must be saved and kept safe. It also must never be shown to others, as it's so very precious. The cloak I am wearing meets all my needs and I am oblivious of the true world that is out there. Then one day, I realize there is a long chain hanging from the ceiling and as I reach to touch it, the cloak falls off and so do all my false securities that the person has given me. Before having the chance to fully understand, I grab the chain, pull, and the darkened room is now illuminated. I see that it's actually an empty, cold closet. Full of dust and memories that never truly existed. I find the doornob and emerge naked to the real world. Blinking my eyes in the bright sunlight, I see that there are other closets and that my protector, the one I so believed in, has many other precious hearts locked away, too. I realize this is all make believe and nothing I knew as truth in my world is real. Before I know what I am doing, I am opening all the closets and pushing each of these closeted souls into the light of the Universe. The sadness I see from the empty souls fuels my anger. How dare this person think they could possibly keep such precious beings all to themselves? How dare they lock us away to only give to us when it was convenient to them? How dare they choose what we believe? How dare they take away our free will. I usher the souls out into the sunlight, harsh as it may be, it's full of the truth. They will be sunburnt but by the real sun, they will be dirty but by the real earth, they will be sad but it will be their own emotions. As for the owner, I hope you wander into one of your closets in an act of desperation and the door locks behind you. One truth I promise my captor is that I will never be there to open the closet door for you.

Blog #8-from myspace.com (11/30/2005)

Wednesday Novmber 30, 2005
Funny
Current mood: apathetic

Funny how someone tricks the mind to believe what they want to believe in - despite the obvious. Some might say that it makes you a fool to do this, but doesn't everyone do this in their own way?

I guess for me, it's nice to understand that my mind is tricking me right off the bat. There is no substitute for what I am missing and upset about. . and those who appear to me suddenly as angels have their wings torn and tattered, or are not wearing them at all.

I'm just glad to have had an experience so painful that my inner radar overrides my mental desire to want to believe something/someone who isn't who they say they are. Sure, you get disappointed at first but then you smile, shake your head, and say "i should've known" and then you also realize that it never was comparable to the real thing.

Maybe I should give thanks to these angels. Maybe they have given me the gift of narcissism or cynicism and I should give praise.

Whatever gift I give them, it certainly won't be as great as the gift they will get back, free of charge, for not being true. That is the best present I can ask for them to get.

To those true angels, and you know who you are (jhc, skb, mlw, prp, dwwp, and db) i thank you and wrap you up in the energy of the universe. You may not believe but you will be taken care of.

For the others - I'm no fool. I may act naive, but when you come to think about it, maybe I'm playing you? My angel wings might be tattered or missing but then again, it may not be worth the Universal payback.

Just know that I know the truth.

l_l