Friday, November 18, 2005
 | Current mood:  gloomy Not feeling good tonight. i'm restless and tired but can't sleep. yep, the good old sleep aids have been taken but not taking an effect yet. sometimes they don't. . that's called overuse tolerance. :( I've been wrestling with this 'thing' and it comes down to this - who are we? i mean, i can look at anyone i know well and say who they are. . but who am i? in gradeschool i was an athlete; in middle/high school the sick kid; in college the straight A, go getter, sorority chick; after college the career woman; and then the volunteer fanatic. . but now? i don't know. I've been forced to strip down all my items and i've found that it's quite a barren landscape out there.. I guess it's no wonder i relate to animals more than people. . whether it's a dog, cat, or the snakes in my yard. . they all are souls. people hide behind many things and don't show the soul. . if you are at all into Wicca, you'll know that it's quite hard to reach your higher self (the soul) as your younger self plays with you. . but animals don't have that. one look in the eyes and they are who they say they are. . and they *know* who you are. . i think they tell us but we don't listen. One of my favorite Billy Corgan quotes (and hopefully I got this accurate), "belief is not to notice, belief is just some faith, and faith can't help you to escape:" - how more eloquent could that be said? If you strip yourself of what you believe in, i.e. what you do, how you act, how you want to be because of a belief, you'll find that you're fairly naked and there isn't much to this earth but 99 percent of people who are following their beliefs. I think I got stripped of my beliefs and it's a good, but terrifying thing. . it connects you to the Universe but not if you don't know how to use it. What do I want to do? Swim, garden, walk the dog, laugh so hard I pee my pants, go dancing, practice magick, love my family and pets, go to France, play music, etc. etc. . but when I think about doing any of these things, I'm just well, too tired. Am I depressed? I don't know, for I have no reason to be. I have a wonderful husband, great family, cush job, etc. etc. and I'm resonably healthy (some may question my mental health) but something is missing and it's the soul that is the key to figuring it out. I met this guy in college one time who fascinated but scared the shit out of me. . he knew me so well instantly. I remember him saying "you have all of this stuff inside of you and it needs to explode" and I kept saying "i dont' get it" and he said "you'll never be happy until it explodes. . and it will be the scariest and best thing for you ever. ". . okay, kinda freaky but I really still think about that a lot and it's been almost 15 years ago. For you curious readers, I'm not on acid, don't do drugs.. I'm just reflecting. I want to know who I am. . I don't want to hide behind beliefs. . I want to know myself. . but who can tell me that? If you know who you are and why, and it's not based on some socially imposed belief system, let me know. . I want to get there myself. For all of you that I love, I've cast you in a protective circle. It's the best way to use my mind. . I'm a nut case. . maybe I do need to be admitted? Seriously, I think the meds are kicking in. . night. l_l |
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